


Dragon Age (Season 5)

by Nudeviking



Series: Dragon Age [6]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 12:03:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 33,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5665429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nudeviking/pseuds/Nudeviking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Find out what terrible secrets Skyhold...holds...as Lydia Trevelyn and her crew of lovable misfits wreck house on vile foemen, drink many brews, and dance the blanket hornpipe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dragon Age - S05E01 - Blast From The Past

"All these people have come from the surrounding farms and village because of the legend of the Herald of Andraste," Cassandra said as she and Lydia strolled through the Skyhold Dream Castle, "And more come each day as the story spreads. Anyway, enough about farmers we can give pikes and stupid helmets and turn into dragonfire fodder, I wanted to talk to you about Coprophilia.  Do you know why he chose you to throw down on?  I mean there were a lot of us there but he sought you out."  
  
Lydia considered why the Man Without a Face had tried to choke her out, and as she and Cassandra started up a staircase together, Lydia replied, "He said it was to get my mark back, but I guess he found me because of the work I've done with the Inquisition.  If I'd just gone back to the Free Marches and humped serving girls at my parents' estate he probably would have never found me."  
  
Cassandra stopped on a landing and said, "Yup, that's totally the reason. Coprophilia is all about chaos and with the Inquisition you were totally undoing all the shit so he went gunning for you," Cassandra said, "All this time we've been looking for a leader for this Old School Inquisition, when we had one in you all along. You were the one who went out and righted the wrongs that Coprophilia begot soooooo...I guess what I'm asking is whether or not you'll be the leader of this Inquisition for reals? Like totally officially and shit."  
  
Leliana stepped out of some side room with a big ass sword that looked totally awesome.  Lydia coveted it.  It would look totally awesome slashing the shit out of some foes.  
  
"I don't know what to say...are you sure you want me to do this?" Lydia asked.  
  
"Yeah we're pretty sure," Cassandra said, "Please take this sword otherwise we're all going to look pretty foolish."  
  
Lydia took up the sword and held it aloft and was like, "I'm gonna do the right thing!" and a cheer went up from the assembled dirt workers and soldiers and Cullens below, "HUZZAH FOR INQUISITOR LYDIA! HUZZAH FOR THE OLD SCHOOL INQUISITION!" Someone among the assembled mass of humanity punctuated the cheering with a "Wooooooooo....ow!" It was pretty boss and Lydia hoped she'd get to keep the sword since it was pretty badass.  
  
"Okay everyone," Cassandra said trying to calm everyone down, "We've got a lot of shit to do, so everyone get back to work okay?"  Cassandra headed down the stairs to encourage all the peons to shuffle off to work again while Leliana turned to Lydia and was all like, "Okay Inquisitor, we've got some shit to discuss with the war council!  Come on!  To the inside of this Dream Castle!"  
  
The inside of the Dream Castle was frankly pretty disappointing.  There was garbage all over the place and Lydia was pretty certain that junkies/members of several punk bands were squatting in some of the halls.  She sighed as she stepped over a mound of trash.  Leliana was trying to put a positive spin on things, "This is where it all begins!  Well no, that's not right...it began out there on the veranda...this is where we start to make good on the promises we made out there!"  
  
Lydia wondered what promises she had actually made beyond, "doing the right thing," but didn't interrupt Leliana's nice speech.  "The one advantage we have that Coprophilia doesn't know we know about is the fact that we saw that weird future that you and Dorian went to so we have an idea about what his plans are.  He is probably plotting to kill the Empress of France right now so we should work on making that not happen."  
  
Josephine was all like, "Oh!  Oh!  There's totally a masquerade coming up in France.  If an assassin was going to strike that would be the place to do it.  We don't have enough clout to warrant an official invitation yet, but if we do a little more Inquisiting I'm sure we could secure one."  
  
"I guess I'll have to go shopping," Lydia added somewhat sarcastically, "What about Coprophilia?  What do we actually know about him?"  
  
Cullen, Leliana and Josephine were all like, "Uhhhh....ummmm....he's hella tall and has a disgusting face," but as they hemmed and hawed Varric strolled over a sleeping lyrium junkie like a boss and declared, "Look, I know someone who's had some dealings with the Coprophilia guy so I sent them a letter and they've come to help.  Lydia, they'd like to talk to you."  
  
"Alright," Lydia replied, "Bring them in and I will listen to what they have to say."  
  
"Here's the thing...parading my friend in here might...let's say, cause a commotion, so it might be better if you come up onto the ramparts to meet with them," Varric said and then stepped back over the lyrium junkie and out of the war room.  
  
"If he's talking about who I think he's talking about Cassandra is going to murder the shit out of him," Leliana said.  
  
**COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
Lydia waited outside the war room as Leliana and Cullen filed out.  A few moments later Josephine followed after them.  "Oh hello Inquisitor, were you waiting for me?  I trust you are adjusting well to the Dream Castle.  I mean there are still a lot of renovations that need to be made and all but...I suppose it's comfortable enough for you and the others."  
  
"Is it not comfortable for you?" Lydia asked.  
  
"No, it's just ever since that Coprophilia dude fucked over all my staff I can't really sleep well at night.  When those gross Templars came in all the clerks and cooks and farriers took up hammers and cleavers and brooms and stuff to try to protect me, but they just got cut down.  I still hear their screams sometimes..."  
  
"We lost too many people to that monster.  I swear I won't let it happen again."  
  
"Thank you.  I sure that this wasn't what you wanted to talk to me about though.  What do you need Inquisitor?"  
  
"Well...I wanted to have a look around the ramparts and wanted you to show me around," Lydia asked.  
  
Josephine glanced up from her clipboard, "Very well.  I'll summon the master of arms to take you up and show you about."  
  
Lydia sighed, "That's not really want I meant.  You know what?  Never mind, the master of arms is probably a busy dude.  I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find my own way around the battlements."  
  
"Very well," Josephine said, "If there's anything else you require, you know where my office is."  Lydia watched Josephine as she walked off down a hallway towards the study that she had turned into her office.  Could she have possibly been any more straightforward with the Antivan nerd?  Lydia sighed again.  For a diplomat, Josephine seemed pretty bad at reading people.  Lydia shook her head and headed out of the palace down into the courtyard where she was promptly accosted by Blackwall.  
  
"Hello Lady Inquisitor," Blackwall said bowing with a flourish, "If you have a moment there's something I wished to show you on the battlements."  
  
"Maker preserve me...it better not be his cock..." Lydia mumbled to herself and then to Blackwall said, "Humorously enough I was just about to go up to the battlements."  
  
"Then let us away!" Blackwall said.  
  
Several moments later Lydia found herself atop the battlements with the Grey Warden, Blackwall.  "Look at that!" he exclaimed, "From up here we can see Coprophilia's forces approaching from miles away.  Leagues even.  A hella long distance however you slice it."  
  
"Yeah.  Hopefully the next time he strikes we'll be better prepared than we were in Haven," Lydia said.  Fuck.  Haven had been a goddamn butcher's shop.  So many good dudes and dudines lost in an instant to Coprophilia and his army of scumfucks.  
  
"Yes...Haven," Blackwall said.  God his beard was magnificent.  
  
Lydia found herself saying, "I'm glad you got out of there alive Blackwall.  I don't know what I would do if I'd lost you in Haven."  
  
"Listen Lydia, you're a lovely girl and all...God knows I'd give you good loving all night long, but this can't be a thing," Blackwall said, "You can't think of me as anything more than just a solider alright."  
  
"Alright Blackwall," Lydia replied, "You know I like girls anyway right?"  
  
"Uhhh....yeah I totally knew that....so you have your eye on anyone?  Maybe...um...Cassandra perhaps?"  
  
"I dunno.  I kind of flirt with her, but really she's a little too old for me," Lydia replied, "I guess maybe Josephine, but she's kind of dense and doesn't seem to understand when I say stuff like 'Come walk on the battlements with me,' I want to walk with her not some master of arms or a steward or whatever."  
  
"Josephine?!" Blackwall shouted, "No no no...that would never do!  Stick with Cassandra or umm....Sara!  Yeah Sara!  She's probably close in age to you right?  Who can really tell with elves am I right or am I right?  But yes, Sara's a much better match for you than Josephine!"  
  
"Um....okay Blackwall...I'm going to go over there now and talk to Varric about something," Lydia said as she walked, rather briskly, away from Blackwall.  As she headed towards the tower where she and Varric had arranged to meet she heard Blackwall call out, "For reals yo, I don't think Josephine even likes pussy!"  
  
**COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
Varric was chugging wine straight from the bottle as Lydia approached.  He tossed the empty off the wall to the mountain below and glanced up to see Lydia.  "Ah you're here," he said.  He pointed to a guardhouse and added, "My friend's waiting in there.  Now, don't freak out when you see her.  I'm already going to catch a ton of shit when Cassie learns she's here so I don't need you freaking out too alright.  You gotta promise you won't lose your shit alright?"  
  
"Alright Varric," Lydia said, "I promise I won't lose my shit."  
  
Varric nodded and then turned towards the guard house and yelled, "You can come out now, she promised she'd be cool.  Lydia, allow me to introduce Hawke."  
  
True to her word, Lydia, did indeed remain calm.  The studio audience, however, lost their goddamn minds.  "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" they shouted.  The applause was deafening as Beatrice "Beezus" Hawke, strolled out of the guardhouse.  She smiled at the recognition, but it was pretty obvious that she was waiting for the applause to die down before she began delivering her lines.  When the last audience member finally stopped clapping Beezus looked out over the edge of the ramparts and was like, "I had a sweet balcony like this in Kirkwall.  I could see the whole city from it.  It was nice for awhile, but after a time when I looked down all I saw were people who needed me to protect them."  
  
"You were lucky.  You just had a single city looking to you to save them.  I've got half of Thedas," Lydia replied glumly, "I heard from Varric that you had some dealings with Coprophilia, but honestly I don't recall any stories about you and Coprophilia."  
  
"Yeah, they were relegated to webisodes, so maybe you never saw them, but we fought and killed Coprophilia a while before Anders blew up the Chantry in Kirkwall," Beezus replied, "So when Varric told me he'd reappeared I was frankly found it a little hard to believe."  
  
"I dunno he seemed pretty alive when he chokeslammed me into a wall," Lydia replied.  
  
"I know he was dead.  His body was totally chopped up on the floor and we got mad phat loots from him, but the deal was this.  He'd been imprisoned by the Grey Wardens and my father but prior to me killing him Coprophilia had been using some telepathy or some shit to turn the Grey Wardens against each other.  It's possible that he was somehow able to survive death using this ability."  
  
"Then there's a chance he's behind the disappeared Wardens too then?" Lydia said.  
  
"Possibly.  I have a friend in the Wardens who was looking into something for me who I'm still in contact with.  He's chilling in Crestwood, so we could probably go ask him if Coprophilia took over his buddies."  
  
"If you didn't know that Coprophilia was still alive, what were the Wardens looking into?" Lydia asked.  
  
"Oh.  Red lyrium.  I think you've had some run-ins with that shit yourself no?"  
  
"Yeah it's some nasty stuff."  
  
Beezus smiled and said, "Anyway, I'll meet you in Crestwood when you're ready to do that plot okay?"  
  
**COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
"YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER!  YOU KNEW WHERE HAWKE WAS THIS ENTIRE TIME!"  The shouting was punctuated by the sound of crockery shattering.  Lydia entered the room just in time to see Cassandra take a wild swing at Varric.  Varric positioned himself so that Lydia stood between him and Cassandra.  The Seeker was fucking furious and bellowed, "ALL THIS TIME YOU KNEW WHERE SHE WAS!  YOU KNEW HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS THAT WE FIND HER AND YOU SAID NOTHING?!"  
  
"Cassandra!  Knock it the fuck off!" Lydia shouted, "Throwing shit around and trying to punch Varric in the face isn't going to solve anything.  What the shit is going on here anyway?"  
  
"We needed Hawke and he knew where she was but said nothing," Cassandra said, "Varric is a liar who is only concerned for himself!  We tried to find Odette Corvette, the Hero of Feldspar, to run things, but she kind of disappeared, so we turned to the second best candidate: Beezus Hawke.  We wanted her to be the leader of the Inquisition and Varric knew it, but wouldn't tell us where she was!  Maybe if she had been leading the Inquisition from the beginning...Lady Pope Justine might still be alive."  
  
Lydia was a little wounded to hear that she had not been the first choice to lead the Inquisition, or even the second choice, but did not let it show.  "Does it matter?  You can't change the past and besides she's here with us now.  We're all on the same side in this."  
  
"Yeah!  And beside how do you know that if she had been the leader of this Inquisition anything different would have happened.  More likely than not she would have been at the Conclave and now she'd be dead now too," Varric said and then he walked out of the room.  
  
Cassandra sighed, "It's all my fault this happened.  If I'd pressed harder I might have found her in time.  Been able to stop all this from happening."  
  
"You can't blame yourself for this Cassandra," Lydia said, "Besides, if you'd gotten Hawke to be your leader, you'd have never met me."  
  
"I suppose that is true.  I am sorry Lydia.  I shall work harder from now on."  
  
"That's all I can ask Cassandra.  That's all I can ask."  
  
**END CREDITS!**  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: FUCK YEAH HAWKE!!!  I actually ended up doing the Hawke stuff twice because the Default Hawke did not look enough like the Default Hawke that I'd actually used in DA2, so I had to go back and redo her hair, since these things are very important to me.  Hawke is still my favorite main hero in this series so I'm glad to have her back even if she's just an NPC now.
> 
> The rest of my playing last night consisted of 90 minutes of walking around Skyhold.  I think I talked to all my companions and also recruited Cole with a stupid hat and looking like a Final Fantasy 2000s character.  He seems like a dope, but whatever.  The actual recruiting of him will warrant getting a write up in the next installment of these things as will talking to Sara and pretending to be mercenaries with Bull.  Chatting with Solas and Vivian and Cullen happened but nothing that happened in those exchanges warrant a write up.


	2. Dragon Age - S05E02 - Diamond From a Cole?

Lydia lounged rather casually upon her throne as Josephine, in her most official sounding voice, read from her clipboard, "The accused, Magister Mike, of Davinter stands before you in judgement for the following offenses...wow, these are pretty bad...uh, where was I? Ah yes, Magister Mike is stands accused of the following offenses: slavery, apostatry, and attempted murder...of your very personage no less, Lady Inquisitor. He has been sent before you for judgement by King Brodude of Feldspar, first of his name, as a token of thanks for actually being the person who brought Magister Mike to justice. Also Davinter doesn't want anything to do with him anymore and stripped him of all lands and titles, so you don't need to worry about starting a war with Davinter if you totally cut this dude's head off or hang him or make him Tranquil or whatever."  
  
"Ug..finally! I've been waiting to kill this guy since before the end of last season!" Lydia said.  
  
Magister Mike shouted some shit, "I LOST MY DEAD GAY SON! WHATEVER YOU DO TO ME CANNOT BE WORSE THAN THAT!"  
  
"Is that all you have to say for yourself?" Josephine asked.  
  
"Whatever clout you have...the people you gathered? NONE OF IT IS GONNA MEAN SHIT! THERE'S A SHITBLIZZARD COMIN' AND ALL OF YOU ARE GOING DOWN!!!"  
  
Lydia sighed, "Dude, I'm cutting your head off myself." There were some gasps from the assembled audience that had gathered to watch what Court TV was already calling the "Trial of the Age." Lydia thought "Trial of the Age," was more than a little hyperbolic. Had they forgotten Logain Pissdrinker vs. The People during the Fifth Blight? This was probably not the trial of the year. Lydia stood, "Josephine, fetch me my plot sword. Magister Mike...your head is going to look stupid in a wicker basket.  Everyone, to the execution studio!"  
  
Magister Mike was lead to the execution studio as all the criminal trial fans chanted, "Lydia's gonna kill you!" in a sing-songy fashion.  Mike was tossed on to the stage in the execution studio by some well-muscled goons and Lydia strolled up like a boss.  Her plot sword was ready to separate Magister Mike's head from his shoulders.  "Any last words douchebag?" she asked.  
  
"FUCK YOU!  THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!!!" Magister Mike shouted, but before he could bellow, "MAGE POWER!" Lydia totally chopped his head off.  Everyone was like, "WOOOOOOO!" and then started chanting "U! S! A!  U! S! A!"  
  
 **OPENING CREDITS!**  
  
  
The courtyard was a mess of mud and a vaguely metallic odor permeated the air.  It was the stench of blood.  There had been so many wounded who had made the journey from Haven to the Skyhold Dream Castle that the courtyard was being  used for triage.  Lydia Trevelyn swaggered, like a goddamn boss, through the muck in her grey pajamas.  Nearby Solas and Vivian were arguing.  Just once she wanted to spend an entire day without once having to keep her companions from attempting to kill each other.  
  
"Hey hey hey hey!" Lydia shouted, "What the shit is all this yelling about?"  
  
"It's Cole," Solas said, "He seems to have the ability to make people forget that they ever saw him and also seems to be able to become invisible at will."  
  
"So he's a mage?  That sounds like wizard shit to me," Lydia replied.  
  
Vivian shook her head, "No, my dear, it is not wizard shit.  Those abilities?  That's some demon shit."  
  
"No, no, no, no," Solas rebutted, "Those are the abilities of a spirit, not a demon.  I would believe Cole to be a benevolent spirit except he does not appear to be possessing anyone to exist in this world.  Usually when a spirit from the Fade enters our world they have to possess someone in order to take a bodily form...like that Andy guy."  
  
"So he's not a spirit?" Lydia asked.  
  
"No I think he is, but really the best thing would be to study him some more," Solas replied, "I'd like to talk to him, but I can't seem to find him anywhere."  
  
Lydia watched as Cole, the scarecrow looking motherfucker, crept between the moaning bodies that were bleeding out into the mud in the courtyard of the Skyhold Dream Castle.  "Dude, he's right over there.  Are you just fucking with me or can you really not see him?"  
  
"Nope, can't see him at all," Solas replied.  
  
"Vivian?" Lydia asked hopefully, but the lady mage with the really cool hat merely shrugged and said, "I cannot see that loathsome demonboy either my child."  
  
Lydia sighed, "Fine, I'll go talk to him myself then.  Lousy good for nothing companions..."  She stepped over a dude with gangrene all over his goddamn feet towards were Cole was crouching.  The gangrened dude let out a moan of pain, as opposed to one of pleasure and Cole turned around and looked at him.  
  
"Foot smells like shit...hurts so bad...what if it spreads to my dick...can a dick fall off from gangrene...DEAD!" Cole said.  
  
"Cole...I need to talk to you," Lydia said.  
  
The spirit/demon/scarecrow/weirdo moved over towards another wounded soldier and knelt beside her.  "It tastes like burning...lungs sound like a crinkly plastic bag...so much smoke inhalation...hard to breath...tell my mother I love her...DEAD!"  Before Lydia could say anything Cole started in on another critically wounded soldier, "Red lyrium in my butthole...soooo painful...this was the worst idea ever...why didn't I stick to regular buttplugs?  DEAD!"  
  
"Dude!  You're creepy as shit!  Knock it the fuck off!" Lydia shouted.  
  
Cole peered at Lydia from beneath his ridiculously stupid hat.  "You help people don't you?  I help people too.  Him," Cole pointed to another wounded soldier sprawled out on a bedroll in the mud.  A grimace of agony was etched on his face.  "The healers have done all they can, but it is not enough.  He will die, but it will be slow.  Painful.  I want to help him."  Lydia noticed a steak knife in Cole's hand.  "He needs my help," Cole said.  
  
As if on cue the soldier shouted, "OH GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH!  OH PLEASE SOMEONE JUST END IT ALREADY!!!" and his face contorted in agony.  
  
Lydia cast her eyes downward, "Just make it quick Cole."  There was a slicing sound and one last gurgle of sound from the dying man before Cole declared, "All done!  I'd like to stay and help you though.  There are many people who need help and I think by traveling with you I can find them."  
  
"Alright Cole...I guess you can stay and help."  
  
"Yay!"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
 ****  
  
Cole's hat was just the worst...it just hung there all sad and limp and flaccid like a cuckold's manjunk as his wife got humped by a bigger, blacker cock, and his personality was not particularly any better.  As they tromped through the Storm Coast With The Most, she listened to him prattle on and on about how Sara's bow "goes _Thwunk!_ "  
  
"Have you happened to self-diagnose yourself as being on the spectrum Cole?" Dorian asked after Cole recited a poem about people drowning in the sea out of the blue, but Cole just replied, "Sara's bow goes _Thwunk!_ "  A heap of mini-dragons suddenly ran all up on and the party threw themselves into battle.  While Cole was good enough at knife attacking mini-dragons his creepy appearance, stupid hat, and unsettling non-sequiturs did not endear him to his traveling companions in the slightest.  
  
"Oi Lydia, can we ditch Creepy and get Cassie or Bull to come along instead?" Sara asked as Cole randomly ejaculated, "I'M HELPING!" at no one in particular.  "This tosser's a little much yeah?"  
  
Lydia sighed, "Just give him a chance would you?  He's really not so bad.  He just wants to help people....people people."  
  
"Oh alright.  I guess I'll do it for the people people yeah?" Sara said, "But if he keeps staring at me with those dead doll eyes of his, I'm putting one or more arrows up his bum...sideways.  Can I ask you something else yeah?  What are we even doing here?"  
  
"Scouting for camps," Lydia replied.  
  
"But why?  There's nothing out here yeah?" Sara said in upspeak.  Nearby Cole harvested an elfroot and shouted, "LOOK AT ME HELP!!!"  Cole skipped about screaming, "I'M HELPING!!!" and swinging the elfroot about.  Sara scratched her chin, "What were we even talking about yeah?"  
  
"Scouting for camps," Lydia said, "Oh and we have to kill spiders to build a potion too!"  
  
"Well then, let's do that!" Sara replied, "To the spider cave!"  
  
The party of stalwart heroes, and also Cole, made their way to the spider cave.  As they tromped towards the cave filled with horrible, horrible spiders, Cole shouted about helping some more and pretty much was just a creepy nuisance.  Upon their arrival in the spider caves, however, Cole went from creepy nuisance to cool dude with two knives that was good at killing spiders and tiny dinosaurs with two knives.  It was really a remarkable transformation, so much so that Lydia pondered if perhaps she would keep Creepy Cole around just for his savant-like prowess with rumble knives.  
  
"LOOK AT THIS ICHOR I GOT!  I'M TOTALLY HELPING GUYS!!!" Cole shouted.  
  
"Umm...good job buddy, we just need four more of those and we can go back to Skyhold Dream Castle," Lydia said, trying to encourage the creepy scarecrow and five time winner of the coveted "Worst Hat In Thedas" Award.  
  
"I WILL GET FOUR MORE ICHORS!" Cole shouted and then ran off deeper into the spider cave.  Sara sat down on a stalactite or stalagmite...which ever one came out of the floor and sighed, "You blokes wanna go get a pint back at camp while Creepy 'helps?'"  
  
"With you my dear girl, certainly," Dorian said bowing with a flourish, "Though a mint julep or perhaps a glass of absinthe would be preferable to something as commonplace as beer or ale..."  
  
"You really don't understand what I'm on about do you yeah?"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
  
"And then I found four more ichors Solas!  ALL BY MYSELF AND I WASN'T EVEN SCARED!  I REALLY HELPED OUT!!!" Cole shouted, flailing his skinny alien arms around like one of those inflatable wiggly guys that are outside local businesses.  
  
  
  
 _Cole's arms  
  
_ Solas sighed and said to Cole, "Alright buddy, that's all well and good but now it's time for bed," and then added to Lydia, "Yeah thanks for getting him all amped up on assistance and then dropping him off with me.  It's going to take hours to get him to calm down and go to sleep."  Lydia shouted an apology as Solas and a bouncing Cole headed back into the Dream Castle.  
  
"Andraste's sweaty left titty was that annoying!  Promise me you'll never do that to me again yeah?" Sara exclaimed, "Anyway me n' Stachy are going to go have a pint, you coming?"  
  
"Nah, spending a day with Cole is pretty tiresome, I think I'm just going to call it a night," Lydia said and then added with a smirk, "Have fun on your date with Dorian."  
  
"Hahaha a date with Dorian!  It's not like he's the complete opposite of the type of person I'd actually consider dating or anything like that," Sara said grinning, "You're a right proper joker you are Lady Inquisitor!"  
  
"Seriously though, don't do anything I wouldn't do with Dorian," Lydia said and headed back into the castle as Sara laughed and called her a "shitehead."  The Dream Castle was already pretty dark and quiet as Lydia made her way through the hallways and corridors.  The Dream Castle was way bigger than Haven, or even her parents manor house back in the Free Marches and Lydia soon realized that she was totally lost.  There was a light flickering a little bit further down the hallway so Lydia pressed on, hoping that perhaps a guard or chambermaid was working by the torchlight, but she soon realized that she was in Josephine's office.  
  
"Oh Lady Inquisitor, I was not expecting you," Josephine said, "How can I be of service?"  
  
"Uh...no, I'm fine.  I just kind of got lost trying to get back to my bedroom," Lydia said, "What are you still doing up?"  
  
"Oh it's just this ambassador nonsense," replied Josephine, "You know the one thing I miss since coming here?  My staff.  We used to get together after work and just talk about this garbage.  Frankly doing it all by myself I'm starting to feel a little bit crazy."  
  
"You could talk to me about it if you want."  
  
"You I wouldn't want to trouble you," Josephine, "No, I will endure..."  
  
"Nonsense!  Tell me about your day!" Lydia declared, "I insist."  
  
 _Fade Out....Fade In on Lydia and Josephine standing on a balcony..._  
  
"...and then he totally shit on the floor in front of all his guests!  I mean who does that?!"  
  
"Count Dooku apparently," Lydia replied.  
  
There was a brief pause as the two women gazed into each others eyes.  "What if I kiss her?" Lydia found herself thinking, "Would she be offended?  Does she even like women?"  Lydia started to tell Josephine what she was thinking, but got as far as, "Josephine, I..." before the Antivan nerd exclaimed quite suddenly, "Oh my goodness look how late it is!  I can't believe that I've taken so much of your time! I'm such a bother aren't I?"  
  
"No!  You were no bother at all.  I had fun tonight, and to be honest, I'm kind of surprised how quickly this evening went by with you.  Anytime you want to tell me stories about noblemen who shit on the floor of their ballroom I'd be happy to listen."  
  
"You are too kind Lady Inquisitor," Josephine said, bowing rather demurely, "I bid you a pleasant night."  Josephine turned and walked back into the Dream Castle from the balcony.  It was a swishy walk with a decent amount of hip motion and Lydia soon found herself leering.  "Damn Miss Montpelier..." she mumbled under her breath.  Little did Lydia know that as she watched the Antivan nerd who would be hot as shit if she just let her hair down and put on stylish clothes sashay down the hall, someone else was watching her.  Down below in the courtyard, Blackwall looked up at the balcony and cursed.  
  
"Damn you Inquisitor.  Damn your eyes!"  
  
 **TO BE CONTINUED!**


	3. Dragon Age - S05E03 - Punk'd

"So why are we looking for these papers anyway Blackwall?" Lydia asked as the mightily bearded Grey Warden stuffed a sheet of crumbled loose leaf that had been found at an abandoned camp into his pocket.  
  
"Because 'Fuck you.' That's why," came the reply.  Blackwall had insisted on coming out to the Storm Coast to look for papers and then had proceeded to be a giant douchelord deluxe all afternoon and Lydia had no idea why.  
  
Lydia sighed and looked to Sara and Dorian in askance. Both just kind of shrugged and watched as Blackwall began scaling a disgusting cliff.  When he was about halfway up the cliff the disgruntled Warden shouted down at them, "You gonna sit down there with your thumbs up your asses or are you going to join me?!"  
  
"Someone's kinda being a prick today yeah?" Sara said as she headed towards the disgusting cliff, "Oi that reminds me! Dorian, I wanted to ask you what those words you're always using mean."  
  
"Colloquial? Pragmatic?"  
  
"No arse! When you're angry...mandalas or something like that.  It's swearing yeah?"  
  
"Man'da'las...it's Old Davintish, and yes, it is a curse of a sort."  
  
"So what's it mean yeah?"  
  
"Literally? 'You shit on my tongue!'"  
  
Sara chortled, "MWAHAHA! That's great! But why don't you just say that then?"  
  
"Tradition I suppose."  
  
From atop the disgusting cliff Blackbeard shouted down, "Shut the fuck up and keep climbing you jagoffs!"  
  
"Seriously, what the shit is his problem?" Sara muttered under her breath. Lydia wished she had an answer. She wracked her brain trying to think of anything she could have possibly done to have pissed of Blackwall, but nothing came to mind. Even when he had asked her to knock it off with the flirting he'd been pretty chill, but now? Douchelord deluxe might be a tad generous...  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
**  
  
  
"Ah Skyhold Dream Castle! I never realized how much I'd miss even your paltry amenities until I spent two weeks sharing a tent with a surly Grey Warden...one who abandoned us some two days ago I might add..." Dorian said, "Ladies as always it has been a pleasure, but I simply must bathe. I am of the mind that my stench must be most frightful. Smell you later ladies."  
  
"Smell ya later Dorian," Sara replied and waved as the Davinter mage headed towards the castle proper. "I don't know about you, but I could use a drink," she said as Dorian disappeared into the castle.  
  
"Yeah sure."  
  
"Okay, but you're buying...you are the Inquisitor after all and I'm just people people yeah? C'mon this will be bloody brilliant right?" Sara said and then before Lydia could reply, Sara grabbed her arm and dragged her into the bar.  
  
Lydia bought a couple of pints and brought them back to the table where Sara was seated. "So Sara how are you holding up?"  
  
"Oh wot? Me? You know, I'm just regular people people with a bow and there are demons running amok and some bloke with a fucked up face trying to become God. I'm bloody brilliant!"  
  
"Well I'm glad you're here Sara."  
  
"Yeah following you's alright. I mean the view's pretty good at least yeah?  I'm talking about yer bum yeah?" Sara said, "But as nice as it is I didn't ask you here to talk about your arse...there's actually something I wanted to ask for your help with."  
  
"Well what is it?"  
  
"Right well there are these two noble blokes havin' a spat.  Right proper shitebags they are, but since they're all 'La di da...look at me, I'm a noble arsehole," no one can say anything about them being total shite.  No if it was just something like, them wearing shite hats, I wouldn't care, but by these two arsehole acting like tossers to each other, the people people are starting to suffer right?"  
  
Lydia chugged some brew and was like, "Alright. So what do you need me to do?"  
  
"Just have a parade over where those noble tossers are havin' a row right? That should be enough to get them to cut their shite out yeah?" Sara replied.  
  
Lydia nodded, "Alright Sara, I'll talk to Cullen tomorrow morning about having a parade in order to mess with those douchelords for you."  
  
"Bloody brilliant!" Sara exclaimed, "You know what Lady Trevelyn? For a noble you're really not such a wanker."  
  
"Um...thanks I think."  
  
Sara grinned at her. "No, yeah that's good right?  But you know what's not so good yeah?  This pub yeah?   Bloody awful. Everyone's drinking like their cat just died.  So there's one other thing I wanted to ask you about yeah?  People need to loosen up so I figure you and I play a few pranks on the bosses. The people people will have a large, the pub will become livelier and I will be a right happy girl."  
  
"Pranks? But I'm the Inquisitor...is it alright for me to prank the leadership?"  
  
"Of course it is yeah? You'd be doing it to inspire your men or some tosh right? So what do you say Inky?"  
  
"Sara you've got yourself a deal."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
  
Cullen's office space was pretty much completely taken up by a big ass desk.  It looked like a robber baron's desk, all mahogany with legs carved to look like crazy animals and shit.  "Just lift it up a little bit yeah?" Sara whispered to Lydia, "You're a lot more buff then me right?"  
  
"I guess so," Lydia replied and hoisted one side of the desk a couple inches from the ground.  Sara quickly slid a couple copper pennies under one leg and then told Lydia to put the desk back down.  The elf stood and pushed on the top of the desk which caused it to rock ever so slightly now that the legs were uneven because of the pennies.  
  
"This will drive Cullen batty," she said with a smirk, "He'll be trying to write and note and he table will be bouncing up and down.  It will be bloody brilliant!  Alright...on to Josie!  You still fancy her Inky?"  
  
"No...well, not particularly.  I mean she's decent looking and smart, but she's too demure," Lydia replied and she and Sara made their way toward Josephine's office.  
  
"You like 'em a little bit wild eh Inky?" Sara said, "Realized you don't want a proper lady like Josie after all yeah?  I think Beardo will be happy to hear that."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Lydia asked.  
  
"Oh yeah, Blackwall yeah?  The bloke with the beard..." Sara began.  Lydia informed her that she knew who Blackwall was before Sara continued, "I'm pretty sure he fancies Miss Josie right?  Oh!  You think that's why he was being such a tosser last week?  Because you've been chatting up Miss Josie yeah?  I bet that's it!"  
  
Lydia gasped, "Oh my god!  Maybe you're right!  But it's just been business between Josephine and I..."  
  
"You might want to talk to Blackwall then yeah?  He might believe that sort of shite if you dress it up nice and ladylike," Sara said, "Anyway I like Blackwall...not like that yeah...just as a bloke to travel with, but didn't like him so much as an arsehole.  Anyway here we are.  Let's see...how about the old 'Sloppy Boss.'"  
  
"Sloppy boss?"  
  
Sara clapped her hands and was all like, "Ohhhh...you don't know 'Sloppy Boss?'  I suppose not since you were a right proper lady and all yeah?  Sloppy Boss is bloody brilliant in it's simplicity, yeah?  Bucket full of slop over the door that will fall when the some unlucky bastard opens the door.  Boss ends up all sloppy.  Servants have a good larf...well, except the one that has to clean it up.  Whaddya think Inky?"  
  
"Get a bucket."  
  
 _Fade Out...Fade In..._  
  
The duo of Lydia an Sara found themselves in Leliana's pigeon attic.  Pigeons were all cooing and shitting all over the place, but there was no one else around.  "Let's see what can we do to Red yeah?" Sara asked as they rummaged about.  Lydia lifted a small iron box.  "No, I won't go in her private stuff.  Let's find something else yeah?" Sara replied, but before Lydia could reply a voice shouted up the stairs into the attic, "Oi who the shit is up there?!"  Lydia turned to Sara and shouted, "Run!" and giggling, the two young women fled from the pigeon attic back to the bar.  
  
At the brewpub the people people were pounding brews in a much more jovial manner than they had been earlier.  Lydia overheard people chatting about how Cullen went apeshit and threw a bunch of books out his window when his stylus kept rolling off his desk and how Lady Ruffles had gotten hit by old "Sloppy Boss."  Sara laughed and was all like, "Oi Inky this was a lot a fun yeah?  I kind of liked doing this with you yeah?  I mean everyone else is all serious beards, but you, yeah?  You're kind of fun."  
  
"I really enjoyed spending time with you too Sara," Lydia replied, "I hope to get to know you better."  
  
"Yeah it's good right?"  
  
At that moment the door to the brewpub flew open and a dripping wet Josephine stepped in.  There were some chuckles and murmurs of "sloppy boss," as the people people seated in the brewpub caught sight of her.  Hands clenched in fists, Josephine stalked towards Sara.  "You vile reprobate!  My clothes are utterly ruined!" the Antivan nerd shouted.  She grabbed a half drunk flagon of ale and dumped it over Sara's head before stomping back off out of the brewpub.  Sara wiped the brew from her brow, glanced at Lydia and smiled.  "Well worth it Inky!  Look how happy the people people are yeah?  We did that.  Me and you yeah?  Let's see where this goes right?"  
  
 **TO BE CONTINUED!  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I have done like zero quests since getting to Skyhold Dream Castle.  Instead I spend like 90% of my time talking to companions in and about town, but it's all good yeah?  Pulling pranks kind of fun, and the first semi-goofy thing that's happened thus far in the game so it was a nice diversion.  Cole is still creepy as shit and is pretty much benched evermore.  Oh one other thing.  I started quests about specialization, but I'm not really sure how it goes.  I have three quests to do, but really only want the Templar chunk.  If I finish the Reaver quest first do I become a Reaver or do I actually get to pick a specialization after finishing all three quests?  It's not really clear in the journal or the dialogue that happens when you take those quests.


	4. Dragon Age - S05E04 - Buckles

"You are not going to believe how fucking awesome the parade was Boss!" Cullen declared emphatically, "We had a marching band, a giant Snuggle Bear balloon and a couple floats where dudes, dressed only in spangles, threw beads to the assembled crowds. The spangles were Dorian's idea, but that shit totally worked and you would not believe the things the women folk would do for those beads...holy shit mang! There was the one chick...the boobs she had on her...HO-LEE FUCK!"  
  
  
Snuggle Bear Balloon  
  
Leliana and Josephine stared at the former Templar slackjawed in disbelief at what they were hearing, but Lydia merely asked, "Cullen, I don't really care about Snuggle Bear or giant bosoms.  Was the parade a success or not?"  
  
Cullen smiled like a real cool dude and said, "Ohhhhhh yeeeeeah!  It was totally a success.  People were all about it mang...for reals...except those two noblemen.  I think the parade made them both look like chumps, but I'm pretty sure that that was the effect that Sara desired."  
  
"Awesome!  I'm going to tell her right now!" Lydia said and headed towards the door.  Behind her she could here Leliana yell, "Wait we have much to discuss about this Inquisition business!" but Lydia did not stop.  She ran down the hall and out of the Dream Castle into the courtyard.  Her heart pounding in her chest, Lydia ran the short distance across the courtyard to the brewpub and headed upstairs to the nook that Sara had confiscated and converted into a bedroom of a sort.  
  
"Hi Inky, bloody brilliant day yeah?  You hear that that git, Cullen, still hasn't figured out what's wrong with his desk?" Sara said with a roguish smirk, "It's brilliant right?"  
  
"That is pretty good, but I have even better news.  That parade we sent to mess with those two noblemen was a big hit.  The noblemen are fucking pissed off now."  
  
Sara did a triumphant fist pump and cheered out, "Oi that is bloody brilliant!  And even better, now it's my favorite part yeah?  Getting paid!  I'm ready to go whenever you are right?"  
  
"Let's go right now then.  You know where we need to go right?" Lydia said.  
  
"Yeah just follow me Inky...you can look at my bum if you want.  I want mind yeah?  C'mon."  
  
Lydia followed Sara out of the Skyhold Dream Castle into the wilds nearby.  Though part of her though Sara had been joking, Lydia found herself watching the elf's backside as she strolled through the woods.  "Sara, who's actually paying us for this?" she asked.  
  
"Dunno...sometimes it's a bloke who nicked something from his boss, sometimes a bunch of people people put their coins together to hire us.  It really just depends right?" Sara paused and looked about.  She and Lydia were deep in the woods and some ancient moss covered ruins laid before them.  Sara pulled a crumbled sheet of paper from her pocket and glanced at it.  Lydia could see that there was a roughly drawn map on the paper along with several caricatures of Cullen and Josephine getting "Sloppy Bossed," around the edges.  Sara looked around the ruins and then declared, "Hmm...this is kinda mental yeah?  I thought maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere, but this is where we're supposed to meet the bagman right?"  
  
"What's um...mental about that?"  
  
"Usually I get paid in a bar or in at least a town...but this...this is bloody ruins yeah?  I don't do ruins...  This seems kind of wrong yeah?"  
  
Suddenly a regular people person ran out of the ruins.  "Oi is that really you?  It's the Inquisitor yeah?  Look milady this was a trap, yeah?  That tosser wanted to get Red Jenny to show up so he could kill her right?  I'd get out of here if I were you."  Suddenly the regular people person got arrowed to high hell and some knights of the code rushed toward Sara and Lydia.  Lydia drew her big ass sword and swung it into the closest knight of the code.  The sword crashed down onto the jerkoff knight of the code sending an eruption of gore into the air.  Behind her Sara loosed arrow upon arrow, turning the other knights of the code into oversized pincushions.  
  
With piles of dead jerkoffs slaughtered strewn about, from within the ruins there came a cry, "Please don't hurt me!  I'm rich!  I can help you Inquisitor."  A rich douchelord who was actually a lord came out of the ruins, "That Red Jenny must have tricked you into sending a parade to my lands to squash my beef with that other nobleman or whatever...I got no problem with you.  I just want to kill that stupid bitch behind you.  So let's get rid of her and then talk an alliance."  
  
Lydia shouted, "You fucking douchelord, Sara's my friend.  Sara?  Ice this punk mark buster!"  
  
Sara smirked and threw a dagger that landed hit the douchelord in the chest with the flat of the blade and dropped to the ground.  "What the fuck was that supposed to....UFFF!!!" before the douchelord could finish questioning Sara's rather terrible throw she had kneed him in the jollybag.  The douchelord dropped to his knees and then Sara kneed him repeatedly in the face.  "You filthy system!  I hate it!  Dumb, frattin', housesnickle viper!"  
  
"SARA!  SARA!"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"He's dead.  His face is pretty much wine at this point."  
  
"Ew...that makes it worse!"  
  
"C'mon let's go back to the Skyhold Dream Castle."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
Sara had not said another word after kneeing the shit out of that dude's face, so the walk back to Skyhold Dream Castle had been somewhat awkward to say the least, but the next day Sara was back to her usual self.  "Oi, I wanted to thank you for supporting me yesterday yeah?  It's kind of weird.  People are usually all like 'Sara you're mental,' and 'Sara you're a git,' but for someone like you to be like, 'Sara I believe in you,' it's kind of weird right?"  
  
"It's not really so weird.  I do trust you Sara.  Sure you're a little unpredictable, but you're fair."  
  
"Anyway thanks again.  There's something I wanted to show you yeah?  Come with me alright?"  Sara grabbed Lydia's arm and dragged her over to the window.  "It's out here yeah?" Sara declared and climbed out onto the roof.  Lydia shrugged and followed after her.  
  
"So Sara what did you want to show me?" Lydia asked.  
  
"This right.  Cookies..." Sara said, "When I was young I used to love cookies.  My foster mom used to give me really delicious cookies and told me she made them, only she didn't make 'em.  I guess her mom never showed her how to bake cookies so she bought them from a baker and told me she made them herself and also that the baker hated elves so I wouldn't go near him and discover my foster mom's lie.  So I hated this man because of my foster mom's pride.  It was bullshit...pride cookies.  These cookies are bullshit.  Raisins?  What the fuck?  But maybe next time you and I can bake cookies and I can like them again yeah?"  
  
"I'd like that Sara."  
  
"I've been thinking about what I should call you yeah?  Lady Trevelyn seems too formal yeah?  And Inquisitor?  That's even worse right?" Sara sat for a moment as if in thought, "I know!  Teatness!"  
  
"Teatness?"  
  
"Teatness!  Like, 'Fancy a shag Teatness?'"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Alright!  I'll race ya to your room then!" Sara shouted and then hopped down from the roof and ran across the courtyard.    
  
"Is this really happening?" Lydia wondered to herself as she lowered herself down from the roof and chased after the sprightly elf.  Sara turned and stuck her tongue out, "If I win it's off with your britches Teatness!"  Lydia ran faster but Sara was hella quick, bounding up the steps of the Skyhold Dream Castle two at a time.  Scullery maids leaped out of Sara's way as she dashed through the halls of the Dream Castle shouting, "You'll never catch me Teatness!  Ha ha ha!"  
  
Lydia finally caught up to her on the stairs leading up to her bedchamber.  "I won Teatness!  I won yeah?" Sara shouted.  Lydia sighed, "So I'm supposed to take off my clothes?  Can we at least get into the bedroom?"  
  
"I suppose that's fine yeah?"  
  
She and Sara finished climbing into the stairs and entered her bedchamber.  Sara goggled, "How can someone as regular as you live in a place like this yeah?"    
  
Lydia shrugged, "Just sit down."  
  
Sara threw herself onto the sofa and Lydia stood before her and unbuttoned her shirt, dropping it to the floor.  Sara nodded and whispered, "Looks like I picked a winner of a nickname for you Teatness..."  Lydia smirked and slid her pants down in a manner most saucy and then gave Sara a come hither glare.  Sara giggled and said, "You are a cheeky one Teatness," before leaping into Lydia's arms.  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
  
Lydia sat alone at the table of the New & Improve Skyhold Dream Castle Monks Diner sipping coffee and waiting for her breakfast to arrive.  How could Sara had left without saying anything?  After all the things they had done the night before... Lydia found her thoughts interrupted by a cry of "Oi Teatness!  I got a gift for you.  It was a hat, but it was really ugly so we filled it with apples and painted Coprophila's ugly face on it and now they're hitting it with sticks!"  Sara sat down at the table across from her as Lydia's breakfast arrived.  Sara grabbed a sausage off the plate and laughed, "You want a go at that hat?  It's bloody good yeah?"  
  
"Maybe after breakfast Sara," Lydia said.  
  
"Alright Teatness," Sara replied, "I'm going to go back and have a go at it yeah?"  Sara headed back out of the diner screaming, "Oi you gits let me have a go!" as she exited.  
  
Lydia was suddenly hit by the realization that Sara had kind of sort of gotten her a gift.  "Shit, I need to get a gift for her," Lydia thought to herself, "But what can I get for someone like Sara?  She pretty much just steals everything she needs anyway.  Hmm...maybe Blackwall would know.  Those two are pretty friendly with each other.  I'll ask him."  
  
Lydia headed out of the diner and went down to the stables to find Blackwall.  He was working on some sort of rocking horse.  "Hey Blackwall," Lydia said, trying to sound cheerful.  
  
Blackwall looked up from the rocking horse he was crafting and asked "The fuck you want?" like a 492 year old curmudgeon.  
  
"Um...well, I'm kind of dating Sara and wanted to get a gift for her but don't know what to get her.  I know that you and she are kind of friendly so I thought maybe you might have an idea."  
  
"Wait...you're dating Sara?" Blackwall asked, "Not Josephine?"  
  
"Huh?  No, Sara...blonde elf...wears Converse lowtops and plaid bondage pants...good with a bow."  
  
"Oh mang...I thought that you and Josie were humping...or whatever it is you ladies do with two sets of ladyparts," Blackwall said, "I guess I owe you an apology for being a huge douchelord the other day.  Anyway about Sara?  That's a tough one.  Get her something that shows that you care about her.  Other than that I can't really help.  Hey would you happen to know what sort of gift Josie might like?"  
  
Lydia smiled, "Lace...or ruffles.  The girl loves her ruffles.  Anyway I gotta go figure out a gift.  Smell ya later mang!"  
  
"Smell ya later Boss!"  
  
The remainder of the afternoon was spent speaking to her other companions seeing if anyone else had any ideas of stuff to get for Sara, but most did not.  Solas was pretty pissed off that Lydia would date someone like Sara and compared a human dating an elf to him dating a horse which pissed off Lydia a little bit.  Bull was all about it though and uttered, "Nice score boss!" about the fact that she and Sara were humping each other.  The only person who had any suggestion at all was Vivian, who in utter disgust told Lydia to just shave a lewd slogan into her pubes.  Though it had clearly been in jest, Lydia realized that Sara probably would enjoy it and thus decided to go for it.  
  
That evening Lydia found herself in her bedchamber with Sara again.  "Oh you really missed it yeah?  We really beat the shite out of that stupid Coprophilia face hat right?  What kept you Teatness?"  
  
"You.  You got me a gift so I had to get something for you.  Do you know how hard you are to shop for?   I asked everyone and no one had any idea of what to get for you."  
  
"You asked everyone yeah?  Even Solas?  They all know about us then?"  
  
"Yeah, but none of them had any idea of what to get you."  
  
"The fact that you told them all about us is the best gift ever right?" Sara said and threw Lydia into the bed and pulled off her pants, "Hullo wuts this now?  HAHAHAHA!  Why would you carve that into your ladybits' hair yeah?"  
  
"I was hungry at the time."  
  
"Teatness.  You are the best."  
  
Lydia cringed at the nickname and asked, "Can we do something about that nickname?"  
  
"What!?  You don't like Teatness yeah?" Sara said and then thought for a minute, "Alright then...hmmm...Buckles it is!"  
  
Lydia smiled and hugged Sara, "Buckles is much better."  
  
 **TO BE CONTINUED!  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: So I guess I'm dating Sara now.  I saw boobs and shit, but never got a "You Saw Some Boobs" playstation achievement so I don't know if it's legit Dragon Age relationship or just random boning.  Anyway it happened super easily once I got in Skyhold.  This write up is legit how it went down.  There was no non-Sara relationship plot between these chunks, though I kind of mixed some random events together to make this deal smoother.


	5. Dragon Age - S05E05 - Something About a Qun

"So Boss, to answer your rather unenlightened question, Krem is as much of a man as I am regardless of what's going on in his pants and therefore I've got no problem with Krem," Iron Bull said, leaning way back in his chair.  
  
The awkwardly pregnant silence that followed was interrupted by Krem, somewhat sarcastically declaring, "Aw thanks Chief...I didn't know you cared."  
  
Lydia suddenly felt like a complete and utter ass.  What had possessed her to be such a douchelord when inquiring about Krem's backstory?  She needed to apologize.  "Krem, I'm sorry I asked you and Bull such poorly worded questions. It was a real shitty way for me to try to get your backstory. You're a cool dude and I just wanted to know more about you for my Codex is all. I hope we're still cool."  
  
Krem knocked back his brew and was like, "Yeah, you're generally alright...these past couple questions not withstanding."  
  
"Thank you Krem."  
  
Bull pounded the rest of his brew and then stood up, "But enough about the Chargers, there's something I need to talk to you about Boss. Care to take a walk?"  
  
"Sure thing Bull."  
  
Lydia and Bull headed out of the brewpub to the training grounds.  The Qunari had a serious look about him.  "Boss I got word from the Qunari HQ.  They're kind of interested in an alliance with the Inquisition, but they need some help.  There are some goddamn Davinters who are trying to smuggle that red lyrium shit back to Davinter.  I don't think I need to tell you how bad an army of Davinter mages jacked up on red lyrium would be for the people of Qunos or the rest of Thedas for that matter.  What do you say?"  
  
"You're right Bull, Davinter magisters with access to red lyrium would be problematic for us all, plus an alliance with the Qunari would bolster our forces in our fight against Coprophila," Lydia said, "This sounds like something that would benefit us all.  What do we need to do?"  
  
"We just need to go to the Storm Coast and meet my contact," Bull said, "I'm going to imagine that this will be a pretty straightforward beat down on smugglers so probably just a couple of your guys plus me and the Chargers will be sufficient.  If you're ready we can go now."  
  
"Sounds good Bull."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
It was raining at the Storm Coast again and Lydia's clothes were already soaked as they approached the Qunari scout's camp.  "Oi Buckles, this rain's a bit shit innit?" Sara muttered, "Kinda wish I was back in your room in my knickers next to the fire yeah?"  
  
Lydia was imagining Sara in her smallclothes and thus did not see the random elf pop out of the tent in the camp.  Her daydreams of doing inappropriate things to Sara were interrupted when the random elf who had emerged from the tent shouted out, "Hezbollah is that you!  Shit mang it is you!  How have you been dawg?"  
  
Clearly recognizing the elf, The Iron Bull ejaculated, "GATT!  I've been good mang.  What's the good word?"  
  
Before he had a chance to reply to The Iron Bull, Lydia looked at the elf, Gatt, and asked, "Bull's name is Hezbollah?"  
  
Gatt replied, "The Qunari don't have names, only titles.  Hezbollah is his.  It means 'liar.'  Anyway Hezbollah, it looks like you've forgotten a lot of the Qun my man are you sure you're up to this?"  
  
"Yeah of course, what do we gotta do?" asked The Iron Bull.  
  
"There are two camps of Davinter scumbags guarding the coast.  We need to take them out and then the Dreadnaught will come out of the cove it's hiding in and wreck house on the smuggler's ship," Gatt replied, "It will be pretty easy shit, but if we don't take care of those two camps first they will probably do some wizard shit on the Dreadnaught and fuck all our shit up.  We can't let this motherfucking Vints get the upper hand and ruin the Qun.  
  
"Oh yes...because freedom and free will are such terrible things," Dorian said sarcastically.  
  
"FUCK YOU VINT!  THE QUN IS AWESOME AND PROVIDED ME A LOT MORE FREEDOM THAN BEING A SLAVE IN DAVINTER EVER DID!" Gatt shouted angrily.  
  
"Gatt shut the fuck up.  Dorian chillax.  We can all agree that red lyrium is pretty much the most fucked up shit, so let's just stop dudes from getting it without getting into geopolitical conflicts that will not be solved in our lifetime!" Lydia shouted.  
  
Everyone shut the fuck up then and The Iron Bull went to go talk to his Chargers about the upcoming mission.  "Alright dudes, you guys are going to hang a left, we're going right.  Krem, you're in charge.  Make sure everyone makes it out alive and watch out for wizard shit mang."  
  
"Don't worry about the wizard shit Chief, we've got a mage too!" Krem replied.  
  
From among the chargers the "mage" was all like, "Dude I've told you ninety-three gajillion times that I'm not a mage."  
  
"Whatever mang," Krem replied, "Chargers!!!!  Horns up!!!"    
  
The Chargers put their horns up and tromped off towards the camp they had to battle.  Gatt the Elf was like, "I see what you did there Hezbollah.  You sent your mens to the easier of the two targets."  The Iron Bull glared at Gatt the Elf and was like, "That's what leaders do mang.  That's what leaders do."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
Lydia, The Iron Bull, Sara, and Dorian wrecked house on a couple of heaps of Davinter suckbags.  Lydia was pretty pleased with how well the team worked together ever since Bull had taken up fighting stuff with a shield and a one handed sword.  He was really good and knocked dudes over while she and the other two wailed on them.  Gatt was there too, but he didn't really do anything.  The crew soon found themselves outside the camp of Davinter mages that had set up to wreck house on any Dreadnaughts that happened to drive past.  
  
"Dudes we should be careful of these Davinter suckbags.  They are probably tougher than the scouts we roughed up already," Gatt said, but before he finished his spiel the Davinter suckbags were all fucked over because that was how awesome the homoerotic might of Lydia, Sara, The Iron Bull, and Dorian was.  
  
"Oh it looks like you already fucked those dudes over one time," Gatt said, "How about lighting off a signal fire?"  
  
The Iron Bull lit a bottle rocket and looked over at the other hilltop where his Chargers were also lighting off fireworks, clearly victorious over their lesser heap of Davinters.  "And now the awesome part!" The Iron Bull said as a Qunari Dreadnought appeared from somewhere and promptly bombed this shit out of the smuggler ship.  The smuggler ship promptly sunk with all it's shitty red lyrium, but then a bunch of Davinter wizrobes appeared on the beach directly below the Chargers.  
  
"Dude that's a lot of wizrobes," The Iron Bull said, "If the Chargers don't get out of there they will be royally fucked!"  
  
Gatt chose this moment to reveal himself to be a huge douchebag and was like, "The Chargers have to fight them or those wizrobes will attacked the Dreadnought.  Your Chargers are going to have to die for the good of the Qun!"  
  
"Gatt don't be a cockmonger!  Those are good men and women up there!" The Iron Bull declared.  
  
As the wizrobes motioned menacingly from the beach below the Chargers, Gatt continued to be a fucking prick, "I knew you'd gone soft Hezbollah!  If you sound a retreat you'll become Tal Vashoth or whatever!"  
  
"Bull they're going to die," Lydia said, "Sound the retreat."  
  
The Iron Bull blew his mighty war horn and Krem and the rest of the Chargers hit the bricks.  The wizrobes on the beach then turned their attention to the Dreadnought and put it on blast.  Streaks of wizard shit tore through the sky, pelting the Qunari ship.  It was quite clear to all present that the ship had been hella damaged.  "How long will it take to sink?" Lydia asked, "Will the sailors be able to escape?"  
  
"Dreadnoughts don't sink," The Iron Bull declared as the ship suddenly exploded in a huge big ass fireball that quite clearly killed all aboard instantaneously.  
  
"YOUR CAREER AS A QUNARI IS DONE HEZBOLLAH!" Gatt screamed, "I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE QUN!  THEY'LL MAKE YOU TAL VASHOTH OR WHATEVER FOR CERTAIN!"  
  
The Iron Bull was just like, "Whatever mang...C'mon Boss let's go back to the Skyhold Dream Castle."  
  
 _Fade Out / Fade In_  
  
Several days later at the Skyhold Dream Castle, Gatt showed up to scream some more at The Iron Bull.  Lydia was surprised how blasé Bull was about the entire thing, "So are you here to kill me than Gatt?"  
  
"No!  The Qun has lost one good man already...no need to lose two, but you, Inquisitor...you can forget about any sort of alliance with the Qunari and all kiss all the Ben Shaveoff spy reports goodbye.  Anyway Hezbollah, it sucks that you turned into a fucking turncoat.  I hope I don't have to kill you later," Gatt said and then stalked off.  
  
"You alright Bull?" Lydia asked.  
  
"Yeah I'm fine."  
  
At that moment Krem showed back up.  Lydia was pleased that Krem and the other Chargers had endured the battle.  She liked them.  "Krem how are you holding up?" she asked.  
  
"We're alright.  A little battered and bruised, but we've been worse off than this before...besides the Chief cracked open a cask of sack booze for us so it's all good yo."  
  
Bull was all like, "KREEEEEEEM!  You aren't supposed to tell people that!!" and charged at Krem with a buckler.  There was a freeze frame and then end credits began to roll.  
  
  



	6. Dragon Age - S05E06 - Fan-Fiction for a Fiction Fan

For the first time in probably forever Cassandra was not practicing her swordplay against a wooden training goon in the training grounds.  The fact that Cassandra was not swinging a sword or grunting or dripping with sweat caused Lydia to take notice.  The Seeker appeared to Lydia to be reading, a training manual of some sort no doubt, but as Lydia called out to her, Cassandra stood rather quickly from the upturned log she had been seated upon and tried to conceal the text she had been reading just moments ago.  The haste with which Cassandra attempted to conceal the book piqued Lydia's interest.  
  
"So Cassandra, what've you got there?" Lydia asked, a smirk upon her face.  
  
Cassandra's face turned a crimson the shade of red lyrium and she shouted, rather angrily, "It's nothing and even if it were something, which it is not, it doesn't concern you!  Don't you have some sort of interracial humping or world saving to do right now?"  
  
Lydia peered behind Cassandra's back and caught sight of the book's title, _Swords & Shields_.  She recognized it instantly as one of Varric's works and asked, "That's one of Varric's novellas isn't it?  Is it any good?  Maybe I should read it."  
  
"NO!  You couldn't!  You're the Inquisitor and this book is terrible!  It is vile trash!" Cassandra shouted, "What would the people think of your character if they knew you read such filth?"  
  
Lydia laughed, "Weren't you just trying to convince me to go do sex moves with Sara so I would stop bothering you?  I'm not exactly chaste you know.  I think the people will be more offended by the fact that I'm humping a ladyelf than they would be by me reading poorly written smut."  
  
"I know...it's just, well, frankly it's a little bit embarrassing.  I shouldn't show this part of myself to others...this sort of frivolity," Cassandra said with a scowl upon her face.  
  
"I like this side of you Cassandra," Lydia said, "It makes you seem, I dunno, more human I guess.  It's nice to know that you enjoy reading smutty romance novels...makes you seem a bit more approachable."  
  
Cassandra raised an eyebrow à la professional grappler, The Rock, and asked, "Really?"  Lydia nodded and Cassandra sighed a sigh of relief, "Thank you for not making a big deal out of this.  Perhaps you could do me a favor then.  Varric has not written the next installment of _Swords & Shields_ and this installment ended in a cliffhanger.  I need to know what is will happen to the knight-commander, but can't really ask Varric to finish the book for me...you know...he and I pretty much hate each other.  Maybe you could convince him to finish it for me?"  
  
  
 _Cassandra's eyebrows were totally doing this move._  
  
"I suppose I could do that for you Cassandra.  I'll go talk to him about in now," Lydia replied and headed toward the Skyhold Dream Castle to talk to Varric.  
  
As Lydia crossed the yard she heard Cassandra call out, "BUT DON'T TELL HIM IT'S FOR ME!"  The Seeker would never see Lydia's smirk or hear her mutter to herself, "Yeah right...like that will happen."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
The throne room of the Skyhold Dream Castle was still a goddamn mess of scaffolding and rubble with random people milling about.  There were mages and Orleansians and guys with sacks on their heads and some nuns, and seated near the fireplace the dwarven businessman cum raconteur, Varric Varricslastname.  As Lydia approached, Varric looked up from his writing tablet and greeted her, "Inquisitor, to what do I owe this visit?"  
  
"I need a favor Varric.   _Swords & Shields_...I need you to write the next chapter," Lydia said.  
  
"This is a joke right?  Did Hawke put you up to this or is this another one of yours and Sara's pranks?" Varric asked, " _Swords & Shields_ is literally my worst book ever and the public agreed.  I barely made back the money it cost to print the thing.  Seriously, go read something else...anything else."  
  
"No it's not a prank, and it's not even actually for me.  It's a gift...for Cassandra."  
  
Varric's eyes popped out of his goddamn skull and his jaw smacked against the table with incredible velocity as it dropped.  "Cassandra?  Our Cassandra?" he asked, "The scowling Seeker who hates me and likes to hit shit with a sword?"  Lydia replied that it was indeed the very same Cassandra and Varric continued to express his disbelief.  "Now I know you're just fucking with me.  There is no way in the Fourteen Hells that Cassandra Sourpuss is eagerly awaiting a half-assed bodice ripper penned by me."  
  
Lydia found herself uttering the most sacred vow in all of Thedas, "Varric, if I'm lying I'm dying," and once more Varric's jaw slammed into the table and his eyeballs bulged from his skull.  "Holy shit, you are serious.  Alright Lydia, I'll write the next chapter for you, but you have to promise me one thing.  Let me come with you when you give it to her."  
  
"Oh of course.  This is going to be the funniest shit ever."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
Several days later as Lydia lounged on her chaise lounge in her bedchambers halfheartedly reading a book titled, _So You Want To Be a Templar_ , there was a rapping upon her door.  Lydia stood with a smile on her face and for a brief moment thought that perhaps it was Sara come to engage in some manner of inappropriate behavior, but they she remembered that Sara never actually knocked, either letting herself in if the door was open, or picking the lock and letting herself in if the door was locked.  Lydia walked to the door and opened it finding Varric standing there holding some manner of text.  
  
"Hey Varric.  Dude, you look like shit, what's crackalackin'?" Lydia asked.  
  
"I pulled a couple all-nighters and finished up the latest installment of _Swords & Shields_ for our mutual friend," the dwarf said between yawns, "You want to go give it to her now so I can come back here and sleep for like four days?"  
  
"Yeah sure!  Let me just put on my boots!"  
  
A few moments later, with her supple leather boots upon her feet, Lydia and Varric were walking across the training grounds towards the wooden training goons where they would most certainly find Cassandra.  Their assumptions proved to be correct for from across the yard they could hear Cassandra grunting and the dull thud of a steel smacking into the battered wood of the wooden training goon.  "Hey Cassandra!" Lydia called out as they approached the Seeker, "I've got something for you."  
  
Cassandra gave the wooden training goon one final smack with her sword and turned with a smile upon her face, but that smile quickly turned into a frown when she saw Varric standing beside Lydia.  "What is he doing here?!" Cassandra demanded angrily as she pointed at Varric with her practice sword.  
  
"Well, I asked him about _Swords & Shields_ and told him that a big fan wanted a copy of the next chapter," Lydia said, "And um...when he asked to meet this fan, since it wasn't one of his more popular stories, I couldn't think of a believable lie...so here we are, with the latest volume of _Swords & Shields_."  
  
Cassandra scoffed, "Why would I want something so lurid and frivolous?!  Is this another one of your and Sara's practical jokes?  Frankly 'Sloppy Boss,' showed far more initiative than whatever this is supposed to be."  
  
Lydia turned to Varric and winked and said, "Sorry mang, I guess I misunderstood her."  
  
Varric winked back, "I guess I'll just take it back up to the Dream Castle with.  I was under the impression that you were someone who cared about what happens to the Knight-Commander, but apparently I was wrong.  Sorry to have bothered you Seeker."  The dwarf turned and took a step towards the castle, but before he could take a second Cassandra shouted, "WAIT!  STOP!  First of all nothing better have happened to the Knight-Commander, second of all give me the book, and third of all if you tell anyone else about this, the shit I'll do to you will make your interrogation in Season Three look like a goddamn picnic.  Now give it here!"  
  
Cassandra snatched the book from Varric's hand and opened the cover.  "Was your interrogation bad?" Lydia whispered to Varric as Cassandra leafed through the pages.  Varric smirked, "She threw the book at me...literally, but other than that it wasn't too bad."  
  
"Anyway thank you Lydia," Cassandra said as she sat down on her overturned log and began to read the novella about knights of the code humping.  
  
"You should probably thank Varric since he's the one that wrote it," Lydia said.  
  
"Yes, yes...of course.  Thank you Varric," Cassandra replied.  
  
"You're welcome...I hope you enjoy it," said Varric before adding, "Now if you'll excuse me I need to go sleep for like a hundred years."  As he and Lydia crossed the yard back toward the Skyhold Dream Castle, Varric whispered, "I'm tired as shit, but that was totally worth it.  Anyway when I wake up you probably owe me a couple dozen brews.  Smell ya later Lydia."  
  
"Smell ya later Varric."  
  
 **Next Time on Dragon Age!:** "My dad hates me because I prefer the company of men!"  "I was a bard once...and then I killed someone."  "What the F is a tit thing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: So many random side quests have been completed, the bulk of which seem kind of unimportant.  I've got a heap of glowing big plot chunks on my map that I should start in on, but don't know what the best way to go about it is.  I'm thinking I'll start in on Hawke's adventure but worry that it will lock out other stuff and make me lose the game.  As always the hugeness of this game continues to poleaxe me.  I played for maybe four hours yesterday and did maybe 30 minutes of actual plot.  The rest of the time was spent crafting things and talking to random dudes and finding camps in the wilds.  It's crazy (and probably makes for sucky writeups but that's immaterial). 


	7. Dragon Age - S05E07 - Everybody Hates Dorian

"The Knight-Commander's generous bosoms heaved as Ser Dirk Pounder thrust his throbbing meat stave into her trembling..." Sara feigned shock and tossed the copy of _Swords & Shields_ she had been reading aloud from aside on the bed and burst out laughing, "Ha ha ha! You're kidding right? There no way someone as uptight as Cass would read something like this yeah? It's complete shite innit?"  
  
"Sara, I swear to Christ...she loves this crap," Lydia said as she pulled up her britches and sat to lace up her boots, "She was all like, 'Varric won't write the next chapter...I'll never know what happens to the Knight-Commander!  Please help me Lydia.  Talk to Varric for me.'"  
  
"Bloody brilliant," Sara smirked and then noticed Lydia dressing said, "Aw Buckles why are you getting dressed already?  I thought that maybe today could be Britches-Free Friday yeah?"  
  
"That French nun lady had something 'tres tres important,' to discuss with me," Lydia said, "She's buying me breakfast, so I couldn't really say no...you know, free meal and all."  
  
Sara pouted.  "I wish someone would buy me a bloody breakfast..."  
  
"Sara, I buy you breakfast all the time," Lydia replied, "How about this, after I finish this stupid breakfast meeting where a French nun is probably going to criticize me for doing things with you, I'll come back here, take off my britches and do things with you and then I'll buy you lunch alright?"  
  
Sara smiled, "Awwww Buckles.  It's a deal right?  C'mere and give me a kiss at least yeah?"  Before Lydia could reply, Sara leaped from the bed and kissed her rather aggressively.  An ass was probably groped...maybe two asses...definitely two asses.  Two asses were groped: one clad in britches, the other free and wild.  Brief nudity and adult situations abounded as Sara and Lydia's lips touched and their hands went south of the equator.  Finally the kiss/ass grope ended and with an impish grin Sara declared, "So you'll remember to come back yeah?"  
  
Lydia's brain felt broken, so she merely nodded dumbly and turned to leave her bedchambers.  As Lydia started to walk away, Sara playfully smacked her on the behind and said, "I'll be waiting here right?  I might even put on that silk tit thing!"  
  
Lydia made her way through the Skyhold Dream Castle to the New & Improved Monks Cafe and found Sister Lisette or whatever her name was seated in a booth.  As the [slap bass](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJxrY_lgYU8) sounded, Lydia walked over to the booth and joined the nun.  Coffee and plates of French toast with sausages were ordered and the French nun started in on her spiel, "Inquisitor hon hon hon...I have received a letter about the boy Dorian...hon hon hon.  The letter came from his lord father back in Davinter.  Apparently there is a familial matter that his lordship wishes to discuss with his son, but his son is rather, how do say...hot-headed.  A retainer has been dispatched to the inn at Redcliffe to meet the boy and take him back to Davinter to settle these affairs.  He requests your help in deceiving the boy into going to this inn, for he fears the boy, Dorian, will be too stubborn to travel there should he know the true motives."  
  
Lydia put down her fork and stared a moment at the French nun before she spoke.  "Let me see if I'm hearing this right.  You want me to trick Dorian into going to some inn to meet a Davinter mage who is going to kidnap him and bring him back to a country he fled to speak to a father he has told me more than once that he hates?  Oh this is a great fucking plan!"  
  
"How well do you really know this boy...Dorian?" the French nun asked, "At least consider doing this thing non?  Take zis letter and read it when you have a free moment non?"  
  
"Yeah whatever, I've suddenly lost my appetite for French toast," Lydia said as she pocketed the letter.  She then stood and said, "I'm going back to my room for Britches-Free Friday."  
  
Sister Lisette or Claudette or whatever her name was exclaimed, "Zut alores!  Iz zat today?  Can you help me with zees buttons?"  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
Lydia had spent the remainder of the morning indulging in Britches-Free Friday with Sara, but after lunch, her elven lover parted company with her, telling her, "I've got some Jenny stuff to do yeah?  I'll see you later Buckles."  Lydia decided to go and pay Dorian a visit and tell him about the letter the French nun had given her.  She headed up to the library, which was where Dorian could usually be found and did indeed find him precisely in that spot.  
  
"Hey Dorian do you have a moment?" Lydia asked.  
  
Dorian twirled his mustache and was all like, "For you my dear?  Of course!  What do you wish of me?"  
  
"Umm...you know that French nun?  She gave me this letter...it's kind of shitty, and about you...and your family," Lydia said as she handed Dorian the letter.  The library became super quiet as Dorian read the contents of the missive and than scratched his chin as if in thought.  
  
"Shit my father is the absolute worst.  Even when he wants to talk with me...to try and reconcile or whatever, he has to go through a random French nun and use retainers and rent out rooms in an inn for God knows how long on the off chance that perhaps I'll show up at that inn rather than just write to me himself," Dorian said in an exasperated voice, "Though, I can't say I really blame him.  If I'd gotten a letter from him directly, I would probably just have burnt it."  
  
"So what do you want to do about it Dorian?" Lydia asked, "You know I've got your back whatever you decide."  
  
"And for that I thank you," Dorian replied, "I suppose the best thing would be to go and see what this retainer wants.  At best we'll be able to convince some underpaid servant to fuck off back to Davinter, at worst it will be a trap and we'll have to fight our way through a heap of Davinter suckbags...I suppose we should ask some others to accompany us in the event it's the later rather than the former.  Might I suggest Mister The Iron Bull and perhaps your current paramour...those two seem as though they have the most experience in barroom fisticuffs."  
  
Lydia agreed and the next morning, she, Dorian, The Iron Bull, and Sara set off for Redcliffe.  The journey was fairly uneventful, and the monotony of it interrupted only by Lydia peering into the cosmos with some sort of old school telescope deal.  By peeping on a telescope, Lydia was able to find some sort of knife, but since only that creepy motherfucker Cole used knives she didn't even bother to check whether the knife was sweetass or not.  Some hours later the party found themselves walking through the streets of Redcliffe.  
  
There were a lot of people being like, "Hey isn't that the Inquisitor?  You know, the one who killed all the Davinters and made the mages and Templars stop being cockmongers to each other?  She's a lot better looking in person."  Sara did not like such talk and pulled her bow out and shouted, "Back off yeah?  She's mine!"  
  
Fortunately for all parties involved, the crew made their way to the inn without anyone taking an arrow to the knee, thus ending their career in heroics, but when they got to the inn it was strangely deserted.  Suddenly some sort of dude in a fancy robe descended from the stairs.  Dorian stared at him something fierce and growled, "Hello Father."  
  
 **COMMERCIAL BREAK!**  
  
  
"Dorian, it's time for you to come home son," Dorian's dad said, "You've embarrassed us enough already."  
  
Dorian scoffed, "You still don't understand do you?  The fact that you tried to change me...change who I am...because I didn't fit your mold.  You taught me that bloodmagic was the worst...that it was for cowards and yet you were prepared to use it on me....on your own son, just because I prefer the company of men!"  
  
"Wait for real Dorian?" Lydia interjected, "You?  You like men?"  
  
"You're kidding right?  It's not I haven't been flirting with The Iron Bull for the past few time chunks or anything."  
  
"Psyche.  Dude I totally knew you were gay.  I think you mentioned it already and I asked you about humping Magister Mike's son," Lydia said, "Anyway Dorian let's get the fuck out of here.  Your dad seems like a douchebag, I bet he'd be super pissed if he knew 100% of your current companions are queer."  
  
Dorian's dad's eyeballs popped out of his skull, "My son is she telling the truth?  Are you all...that...way?"  
  
"FUCK YOU DAD!  YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY THE GODDAMN WORD!" Dorian shouted, "Come on let's get out of here."  
  
 _Fade Out / Fade In_  
  
Some days later, back in the library of the Skyhold Dream Castle, Lydia went to pay Dorian a visit.  She found him lounging in a musty, overstuffed armchair reading the latest volume of _Swords & Shields_.  When he noticed Lydia he disparaged the novella, stating, "It's terrible, but I really can't stop reading it.  Have you read this rubbish?"  
  
"Sara's read some of the more choice passages to me.  I think she likes the heaving bosoms but could do with a little less of Ser Dirk Pounder's throbbing man meat, but I didn't really come here to discuss the awfulness of Cassandra's reading habits with you," Lydia replied, "I just wanted to see how you were doing mang.  I mean telling your parents to fuck off is a pretty brave thing to do, but probably doesn't leave you feeling all that good or something...I really wouldn't know about anything like that, because I sure as hell didn't get sent across the sea to go to some kind of Conclave thing in the off chance that seeing so many nuns would somehow make me less of a lesbian or anything."  
  
"You think I'm brave?"  
  
"Yeah totally dude.  I mean my parents kicked me out of our house and I couldn't even tell them off.  That takes guts man and I'm glad to know you."  
  
At that moment that French nun who had started all this trouble appeared and was like "Did I hear you say you are glad to know zis Davinter boy?  Do you know what the people think about him?  Zey worry about your association with him.  Zey think that perhaps he has done ze blood magique upon you."  
  
"Well I think Dorians good peoples so the the people can fuck the fuck off.  I mean even 'I Hate All The Magic!' Sara likes Dorian, so clearly he's an alright dude," Lydia said, "So unless you've got something else to say, you can hit the bricks Sister Claudette."  
  
"Why I never!" Sister Claudette said in disbelief and then stalked off.  
  
"Lydia, you're a good woman and I will stand beside you til the end if you'll have me," Dorian said.  
  
"Of course I will Dorian, unless you shave your mustache.  If you do that you're going to have to make your own way."  
  
 **TO BE CONTINUED!**  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: All the side quests!  So many damn side quests, but I finally started some sort of plot with Hawke so from here on out there will be less fan fictiony write-ups of 10 minute plot chunks and more utterances of "FIGHT IT OUT!!!"  I liked the Dorian telling his dad to fuck off companion quest even if it was super obvious (even without people here telling me "Dorian's gay,") that Dorian was gay before his big confrontation.  Like I'm pretty sure he'd already admitted as much in random walking around the forest dialogue so the "IT'S BECAUSE I PREFER THE COMPANY OF MEN!!!" thing wasn't as big of a reveal as it could have been, but I digress.


	8. Dragon Age - S05E08 - Gritty Reboot

Ser's room was a mess. It was not cluttered like Sara's room at the brewpub or even in a state of disrepair like other parts of the Skyhold Dream Castle, it was just disgusting. Half-eaten bits of long since spoiled food lay scattered about and the stench of unwashed flesh filled the air. A vaguely human form on indeterminate gender with long greasy hair lay sprawled out upon a nest of discarded blankets and cloaks.  There was a dented Templar shield leaning against the wall next to the nest of filthy cloaks and blankets.  Whether this person was dead or merely sleeping, Lydia was not certain. She stood in the doorway clutching a small, polished wood box under her arm. Ser had a similar box laid out on the table before him.  
  
"Have a seat," Ser said as he opened his box. The box was hinged and there was a finely painted illustration of Andraste on the underside of the lid. On the underside of Lydia's own box there was a similar symbol of devotion: a simple sketch of Sara, with her tongue sticking out and a pair of middle fingers raised done in charcoal.  Lydia had to remember why she was doing this after all.  
  
She sat down across from Ser and opened her hinged box as well and stared at the needles and vials of lyrium contained within. "If I do this I'll really be able to block magic? Prevent magic from hurting my friends?" she asked as she followed Ser's lead and filled a syringe with the tincture of lyrium.  
  
Ser nodded and tied a length of cord around his arm. Lydia followed suit. She would do this for Sara; shoot up to keep her safe from magic. She watched Ser sink the needle into his arm and let out a moan of pleasure or perhaps pain. She held her own needle in her hand an positioned it near her vein. "Does it hurt?" she asked.  
  
There was a queer look on Ser's face and he smiled a crooked smile of yellowing teeth. "Oh there will be pain and then agony...unspeakable agony, but from there? Pleasure. Glory. Life. But first, the pain," Ser said, he pointed to the painting of Andraste in his box and said, "That's why we have this...to get us through the pain."  
  
Lydia looked at the picture of Sara in the lid of her box as she pushed the needle into her arm and howled.  
  
 **\---**  
  
"Buckles, you feeling alright?  You look a bit funny yeah?  Not funny like Solas' head funny, but like you might sick up all over the place," Sara said as they headed towards the village of Crestwood, a horrible rain pissing down upon them.   
  
"Yeah, I'm fine Sara, just a little tired is all," Lydia answered.   Nearby a horrible neon green sky rip flared angrily above the lake that covered a goodly portion of Crestwood.  They were going to have to do something about that neon green sky rip.  That was kind of the Inquisition's bread and butter at this point...  
  
"Because of me yeah?" Sara asked with an impish grin, "I promise I'll be gentle with you tonight then else Cassie or Red will come down from their high towers and give me a bunch of shite again about how I'm a distraction right?  If anyone's distracting anyone it's them distracting me from doing what I need to do...you know whut I mean?"  
  
Lydia nodded and then motioned for everyone to be silent.  A short way up the road a couple of decomposing zombies were wrecking house on some knights of the code and a lady who might have been an elf.  Lydia drew her sword and rushed forward as Varric and Sara launched a volley of arrows and Dorian began to cast an arcane spell of yore in a most fabulous manner.  The fabulousness of Dorian was so fantastic that the zombies soon were heaps of ash.  Lydia had barely had time to swing her big sword in a circle a single time.  
  
"Thanks for the assist," one of the Knights of the Code said, "These zombies are a real pain in the taint to be honest.  It took us all fuggin' day long to get through these hills."  
  
Lydia recognized the knight's uniform as that of a Grey Warden.  "Hey, you guys are Grey Wardens aren't you?" she asked, "What are you doing here in Crestwood?"  
  
"We're looking for a Warden named Stroud.  Need to ask him some questions.  We had a lead that put him here, but it turned out to be a whole lot of bupkis," the helmeted Warden said, "Anyway, if you're traveling around here be careful, as you can see there are hella zombies all over the place."  
  
"You're not staying?" Lydia asked, "I'm sure the people of Crestwood would appreciate some Grey Warden help."  
  
"I'd like to stay and help...really I would, but we've got orders," said the helmeted Warden, "Places to go.  People to see.  You know how it is.  Anyway smell ya later."  
  
"Yeah, smell ya later."  
  
As the Wardens headed off towards the relative safety of not-Crestwood, Varric said, "Well it seems like maybe those two weren't possessed by Coprophila.  The Wardens haven't chosen a new leader and I don't think either of those dummies had it in them to lie all that well."  
  
"You're right, those two guys were idiots and thus could not possibly be possessed or whatever!" Lydia exclaimed, "Maybe someone in Crestwood village knows where Shroud or Stroud or whatever went...or has an idea of how to get out to the middle of that lake to close that rift."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
Crestwood Village had fallen on hard times.  The Fifth Blight had left its mark on the village and the subsequent years had not been overly kind what with zombie hordes and such attacking people.  Very few merchant caravans want to fuck with zombie hordes so the traders who had once been vital to the economy of Crestwood found other routes to take from point A to point B, and other buyers for their wares.  This all became overly apparent as Lydia and her companions sat in the crumbling manor house of the mayor of Crestwood, sipping on lukewarm (and more likely than not expired) V-8 that the mayor had offered to seem a gracious host.  
  
"Now I know you're busy people Inquisitor, but Crestwood could really use a chosen one hero right about now.  That neon green sky rip is a pain in our collective backsides," the mayor said, sounding somewhat distracted.  
  
"We know.  We'd like to close it but we will need to get out to the middle of the lake and that's pretty much an impossible thing to do I guess," Lydia said.  She tried to smile to conceal just how vile the last sip of V-8 she had taken was.  
  
"Well, the rip's not actually in the middle of the lake...it's in the middle of Old Crestwood, which is currently under the lake," the mayor said, "I guess I should dump some plot on you right quick.  See during the last Blight we were all living down in what we call Old Crestwood now.  We did alright for ourselves...took in some refuges who were too sick or old to make it to the Free Marches, but I guess there were some Deep Roads shit under our town because Dark Spawns came out and smashed up the controls to our dam and flooded the entire village.  Oh the screams...those terrible screams..."  
  
"It's no wonder you've got a zombie problem!" Varric exclaimed, "There's a whole lake full of corpses right over there!"  
  
Ignoring Varric, Lydia asked, "Would it be possible to somehow drain the lake via the dam or something?  To be honest I'm just a rich girl who kind of got thrust into a position of leadership because I have this zany mark on my hand...I really don't understand massive civil engineering projects."  
  
Sara elbowed Lydia with a bony elbow and whispered, "You understand my massive civil engineering project alright though yeah?"  Lydia raised an eyebrow at the elf, not understanding in the slightest what she was attempting to insinuate.  
  
The mayor, oblivious to the awkward innuendo being bandied about before him, interjected, "Why yes, my dear that is precisely what you could do to get all up in Old Crestwood and stop that neon green sky rip once and for all.  There's just once teeny, tiny little problem."  
  
"Why does this not surprise me?" Dorian muttered sardonically.  
  
"You see there's a fortress nearby called Fort Badass.  The controls to the dam are guarded by the Fort...which is currently being held by a gang of banditos.  So if you want to control the dam you're going to have to fight your way through a fortress of banditos," the mayor said, "Here's the key to the dam control room.  We'll be totally indebted to you if you clear out the banditos for us.  They've been a right proper pain in the ass for a few years now."  
  
Lydia agreed to help the mayor with his neon green sky rip and his banditos and stood to leave his crumbling manor house.  As they stepped back outside into the disgusting pisslike rain, Sara declared, "Something smells rotten here.  Like fish...or....."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
"...like 'fish.'  Get it?  like 'fish!'  Hehehe..." Sara said as they approached Fort Badass.  Lydia stared in awe at how badass Fort Badass was.  She'd heard about the awesomeness of the Warden stronghold in Feldspar, Fort Awesome, but doubted it could compare to just how badass Fort Badass truly was.  
  
"This is one badass fortress," Lydia said, "Are you guys ready to wreck house?"  
  
Her crew was all like, "Hells yeah dawg!" and "LET'S DO THIS!!!"  Lydia kicked the door in and wished her team had a slogan as cool and the "Chargers!!!! HORNS UP!" thing that Krem and the other Chargers had going on.  She'd have to think one up...or maybe put Varric on it since he had a way with words.  
  
As Lydia entered the courtyard of Fort Badass, arrows streaked by her and a pair of Mabarhi warhounds rushed forward and got all up in her grill.  She chopfucked the shit out of them with her bigass sword of ownage.  There were dog parts flying all over the place.  The lyrium coursed through her veins as she barreled forward and slammed a shoulder into a bandito bowman trying to arrow the hell out of Sara.  She felt so alive.  The bandito crumbled in a heap at her feet.  There was a flash of steel and then a warm wash of blood covered her face.  Lydia spun forward, hamstringing another bandito before another blow from her bigass sword of ownage wrecked his shit completely.  
  
More arrows flew toward them, but Dorian was fabulous and his wizard shit caused the arrows to fade into nothingness before they could reach the party of stalwart heroes.  Lydia bellowed, "Come on!" and charged forward, engaging the bandito reinforcements that were streaming down the stairs and leaping off balconies like goddamn ninjas.  Lydia was one with the lyrium.  Nothing else seemed to matter.  She danced a glorious dance of destruction as she pressed ever forward, oblivious to the bandito flesh and gore that sprayed out before her as she carved a path up the stairs of the fortress.  
  
Atop the fortress, atop the world, a mountain of a man strode forward.  There was an angry gleam to his armor and his hammer was as sweet as it was bigass.  "A worthy adversary," Lydia thought to herself as she raced towards the bandito warlord.  A ear rendering C _lang!_ rang out that split Thedas asunder as bigass sword of ownage met armor of teenage angst.  Again and again, Lydia assailed the warlord, [uttering the most uncouth oaths](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bvy1JO0izdE).  The warlord began weeping openly as the blows rained down upon him and Lydia swore.  
  
"Did you hear what she said yeah?" Sara asked no one in particular as Lydia's stream of profanity continued unabated.  
  
Finally, Lydia leaped up and brought one final blow crashed down on the warlord crushing the fuck out of his head.  He was finished and the banditos had been completely destroyed.  "Hey this is a pretty nice fortress you've just conquered for yourself!" Sara exclaimed.  Lydia looked around, Sara was totally right, she'd totally conquered the hell out of that fortress and headed over to the flagpole and lowered the bandito flag and in its stead raised the flag of the Inquisition!  
  
 **To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Annnnnd we're back on some legit plot.  I finally shot up lyrium and became a Templar last night...months and months after Brodude so denied me.  This time around I almost gave up on it as well since I could not find the Way of the Templar or whatever.  I had all the Way of the Champion and all the other stuff ready to go, but held off handing it in.  Finally I found a copy of the Way of the Templar in some random building in Skyhold Dream Castle.  I also started the Where's Stroud?/Hey Guys It's Hawke plot.  At first I was like "Meh, Crestwood is sucks!" but then there was a big "FUCK YEAH IT'S SKYRIM I'M A ONE MAN WRECKING CREW TAKING OVER A FORTRESS BY MYSELF" ownage chunk that made me change my stance on it.  At present I'd give Crestwood a perfect score.... 5/7.


	9. Dragon Age - S05E09 - A Return To Form

Lydia looked out the window of her bedchamber in Fort Badass towards the glowing neon green sky rip that flashed in the horizon, casting a weird green light on the room. It was not yet dawn and Sara was still asleep. Lydia considered waking her and doing inappropriate things with her, but instead took the small, polished wood box from it's place in her rucksack, filled a syringe with lyrium from the tiny glass vial and pushed the needle into her vein. There was a burning sensation in her arm, but it was nowhere near as terrible as that first time in Ser's room had been.  
  
She savored the feeling of the lyrium entering her bloodstream a moment before she put her works back into the bottom of her rucksack and climbed back into bed next to Sara, who rolled over and half opened one eye, and groggily asked, "Can't sleep yeah? If you're not tired I know something we can do right?"  
  
Lydia bit her lower lip and whispered, "Alright. If you're not too tired."  
  
Sara seemed to wake up a bit and declared, "For that? Never."  
  
A few minutes later she and Sara were on the balcony, eating cookies and watching the sickly green glow pulse and throb in the sky some distance away.  Sara motioned towards the neon green sky tear with her had and said, "When I first saw one of those shits I was a little bit scared yeah?  Like, 'What in the bloody hell can I do about one of those yeah?  I'm just regular people people with a bow,' right? But now they don't bother me so much. You know why?"  
  
"Why Sara?" Lydia asked before biting into a cookie.  
  
Sara smiled and replied, "Because of you Buckles. I dunno, you're just too good ya know whut I mean?  Anyway good cookies, better talk, but back to the serious shite right?  We should probably go and take care of that shite with the lake right now that you've got your second castle all prim and proper.  C'mon I'll race you down to the courtyard!"  
  
Sara ran back into the bedchamber and was already at the door before Lydia even stood.  With her mouth still full of macadamia nut cookie, Lydia chased after her girlfriend, oblivious to the scullery maids and men-at-arms who leaped comically out of her way as she dashed by.  Sara proved again to be the quicker and was standing at the foot of their stairs with her hands on her hips in a triumphant pose.  "Looks like you lost the bet Buckles," Sara laughed, "So tonight you've got to do that thing for me yeah?"  
  
"Sara...I don't think we even ever bet anything."  
  
"Sorry Buckles I'm pretty sure we did and you know the rules," Sara said laughing, "I won so we get to do what I want yeah?"  
  
"I suppose so, but first we've got plot to take care of!" Lydia said, "Go wake up Varric and I'll get Dorian and then it's off to drain a lake or something via massive public works!"  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
The control room for the dam was located a short way away from Fort Badass on the side of a lake or something.  Lydia's party had found it without much difficulty, Maker be praised, and the key the mayor had given them worked like gangbusters.  Things were going swimmingly until they opened the door to the building that housed the control room and heard voices.  Lydia motioned for everyone to be quite as she carefully drew her bigass sword of ownage.  Sara and Varric followed her lead and readied their bows while Dorian fixed his coif, ready to make the entire room explode in an inferno of wizard shit, should the need arise.  
  
As Lydia burst into the main chamber of the dam control center, she saw that the source of the voices was not smart darkspawns or demons or even banditos but rather a pair of young adults trying to get their hump on.  Looking around Lydia was kind of impressed at how decent a hump lair the dam control center actually was.  There was a fire place and a bearskin rug...some kegs of booze.  She'd have to keep it in mind for later on.  She put thoughts of doing inappropriate things to Sara out of her mind and asked the interlopers how and why they'd interloped but it was pretty much, "There were no guards and picking locks is easy peasy, as for the why?  Her dad thinks I'm a loser who only wants to hump his daughter because she's got huge cans, but it's not true...she's also got an ass that just won't quit!"  
  
Lydia dismissed the humpers and headed into the control center proper and pushed a wheel that should have had polar bears pushing it.  The polar bears must have been killed in the last Blight, so Lydia, being the most stalwart of her party, pushed it herself.  There was a cranking of gears and a great grinding of girders as floodgates opened and the lake gushed through the dam into another region, on the other side of the dam.  
  
"Mission accomplished!" Lydia shouted with glee, but then Sara was like, "Hey wasn't that donkey wheel supposedly all smashed up by darkspawns or something?  I knew that something about that shifty mayor and his story stunk like fish and 'fish.'"  
  
Sara was right, but Lydia had other things to worry about, namely getting down into Old Crestwood and stopping some sort of goddamn neon green sky rip.  There was no time to dwell on why the donkey wheel wasn't still smashed up or how to best hump Sara on a bearskin rug in a dam control center.  "Come on dudes, we've got a neon green sky rip to stop!"  
 **  
Commercial Break!**  
  
  
Old Crestwood smelled terrible!  It was the absolute worst.  Like swamp funk and corpses and fish shit all rolled into a melange of repulsiveness.  Dorian and Varric had each barfed a couple times before they reached the door that lead into the caves that stretched out beneath the old town.  
  
"We need to find a way into the caves," Lydia found herself saying.  
  
"Um Buckles, how about we use the door that's right in front of us yeah?" Sara said, "You sure you're feeling alright?"  
  
"Huh?  Yeah I'm fine.  Come on dudes!  Let's do this!" Lydia shouted.  She still needed to ask Varric to come up with a "Chargers!!!! Horns up!!!" style badass slogan.  
  
The caves were pretty much standard issue adventure caves filled with random zombies and even more random boxes of treasure.  Deeper and deeper they pressed into the caves, battling more and more zombies and looting more treasure boxes.  They soon saw the green glow of a neon green sky rip and they knew that they had found what they were looking for.  Demons rushed out and tried to battle, but Lydia put them on blast with her hand power.  There were more demons, but Dorian and double archers blasted this shit out of them.  Lydia raised her hand and closed the rift.  They had won the day.  
  
Lydia dusted her hands off and declared, "That's the end of that chapter.  Let's get out of here.  I bet there's a secret exit somewhere around here so we don't have to walk back the way we just came."  
  
Sure enough there was a secret exit that lead past some nugs.  Sara was not fond of nugs.  The secret passage lead out to a clearing a short distance from Crestwood village, and upon exiting Lydia noticed two things.  First there was another neon green sky rip right in front of her, and second (which she noticed after attending to the sky rip) the gloom that had permeated the region since her arrival had seemingly dissipated.  With another neon green sky rip out of commission Lydia was like, "Let's go tell the Mayor that we beat his quest for him."  
  
They headed back to Crestwood and into the Mayor's house, but there was no sight of him.  Outside someone was like, "I can't believe the mayor just took off like that when the neon green sky rip over Old Crestwood stopped barfing demons."  Lydia rummaged around through some papers on the Mayor's desk and found a letter, ink still wet, addressed to her.  It read, "Dear Inquisitor, Sorry I bailed.  It wasn't darkspawns who flooded the town.  I did that shit.  Those people down there had Blight plague or something so I killed 'em to try and stop the Blight.  Sorry about that.  Your Bud, The Mayor."  
  
"Oh fuck that guy...I'm too mad to even play the lady and the scullery maid with you tonight now!" Sara shouted, "If I ever see that fucking mayor again he's getting the shit arrowed out of him."  
  
 **To Be Continued!  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: More legit plot happened!  I beat up a dungeon and also did some kind of quest for a spirit that made Cole into my best buddy.  He got a different slightly less stupid hat than the one he used to have, but he's still pretty much prema-benched with Solas unless there's more "You have to help spirits!!!" quests later on.  Those two make up my spirit squad along with Varric who doesn't seem to give a shit about Fade related shit.  Tonight the quest to find Stroud or whatever continues.


	10. Dragon Age - S05E10 - The Return of The Red Templars

Branches slashed viciously at Mayor McCheese of Crestwood's face and arms as he ran through the Forest of Basilica.   He'd sold his horse to a farmer near the ruins of Lothering a day earlier and taken to the woods when it became clear that the Inquisitor had discovered his involvement in the flooding of Old Crestwood and had set patrols to look for him along all the major thoroughfares in Feldspar.  He thought that by traveling along the bandito and Danish paths that ran through the forest he'd lose them, and yet still the Inquisition forces followed. It was probably the farmer he'd sold his horse to that had told the Inquisition patrols the direction he'd headed off in.  Mayor McCheese realized that he shouldn't have tried to haggle with the farmer over the price he was offering for the horse.  
  
Behind him he heard the braying of Mabarhi warhounds and the sounds of men running through underbrush.  From all the noise they were making it was clearl to the mayor that they were not hunters. If he could just lose his pursuers and make it to Denerim he could possibly find a smuggler to take him to the Free Marches. The Inquisition's reach didn't extend much beyond Feldspar and Orleans so if he could make it to Kirkwall, he'd probably be safe. The only problem was there were a lot of ifs in his plan.  He turned, briefly to see how close his pursuers were.  
  
  
  
"BARF!" barfed Mayor McCheese as a fist, clad in a lobster gauntlet, slammed into his gut.  
  
Mayor McCheese dropped to his knees and raised his hands to attempt to cover his head and neck from any further blows, but none came. "Please don't hurt me!" he pleaded, "I have money...it's not a lot but it's yours if you'll just let me go."  
  
There was a  _harrumph_  as someone scoffed and then said, "We don't want your money, Mayor."  The Mayor uncovered his face and looked, for the first time, at precisely who had punched him in the gut.  Standing before him was a hulking brute of a man clad in chainmail and lobster gauntlets with the logo on the Inquisition emblazoned on his tabard.  Behind him stood several similarly garbed pikemen.  The brutish fellow, grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt and hoisted him to his feet saying, "C'mon Mayor up ya go...there's a good lad," as he did.  
  
The Mayor rose to his feet and manacles were clasped around his wrists.  The brutish fellow gave Mayor McCheese a slight push causing the mayor to stumble somewhat.  "I hope yer not tired from all that running mayor.  It's kind of a hike back to the Skyhold Dream Castle."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
"Sara do we really have to do this?" Lydia asked, "I mean why can't we just hump like regular people?  You're all about people people aren't you?"  
  
"Sure, I'm all about regular people people right, but you promised yeah?  'Sara if you get to the courtyard before me we can play The Lady & The Maid, right?' you said," Sara replied.  She stood before Lydia wearing a costume tiara at a jaunty tilt and little else.  "Here, you have to put this on Buckles or it doesn't work right.  I borrowed it from the kitchens yeah?"  
  
Sara handed her a bundle of cloth that revealed itself to be a ludicrously short apron when unfurled.  Lydia sighed and replied, "The kitchen staff don't actually wear these things do they?  It's awfully short."  
  
"I think it's for a dwarf right?" Sara said, "Anyway just put it on already so we can get to the good stuff yeah?"  
  
"Alright, milady..." as she tied the apron around her waist.  "Will milady be needing anything else of me?"  
  
Sara smiled rather impishly and said with an affected Orleans accent, "Well I think there are some things you could assist me with back in my boood-waaar right?  Come on then yeah?"  Lydia sighed again and walked towards the bed and Sara, with a laugh declared, "Who'd have thought my maid would have such a nice dare-eeeee-airrrrre beneath her frock?"  
  
Lydia and Sara had just climbed into the bed when there was a knock at the door and a voice crying out, "Lady Inquisitor, there's urgent news!"  
  
"Just a second!" Lydia shouted back as she and Sara pulled the blankets up to their chin.  "Ummm...enter or whatever," Lydia said, and hoped the newsbringer did not notice the heap of discarded clothes at the foot of the bed.  
  
A lady scout came into the room and was all like, "Yo, I'm totally sorry to interrupt...whatever this is you two have got going on, but one of our scouts, a real cool dude by the name of The Butcher hasn't checked in yet.  He was due back hours ago, but we haven't heard from him.  The last time he checked in he said he had some news that would, and I quote, 'knock your motherfucking socks off, yo.'  We worry that because this sock-knocking news The Butcher got himself in a heap of trouble.  We want to send out a small party to look for him and need your approval."  
  
Lydia answered, "I don't want any more of our scouts to be compromised.  I'll lead the search party myself.  Any leads as to where we should be looking for this The Butcher?"  
  
"He was scouting up north by the lake where the Mark Ruffalos roam, when he last reported.  You might want to start there.  Shall I rouse Mister Dorian and Mister Varric for you and tell them to prepare while the two of you finish up whatever it is you're doing here?" the scout asked.  
  
"We're playing the lady and the maid, right?" Sara shouted before Lydia had a chance to reply to the scout's question, "Can't ya tell from this piece of shite crown thing I'm wearing?"  
  
"Oh!  That's what you're doing!  Well, I'm sorry for bothering you both.  I'll leave you to it," the scout saluted and after Sara saluted back, she turned and walked out of the room.  
  
Lydia moved towards the edge of the bed to get dressed but Sara grabbed her arm and was like, "Not so fast Buckles, we've got some time yet yeah?"  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
Several hours later Lydia found herself tromping through the northern prairies of Crestwood where the Mark Ruffalos roam, trying not to step on any of the myriad of of Mark Ruffalo plops that dotted the landscape.  She could not help but feel like Dorrian and Varric were looking at her really weirdly and asked, "Do you have something you want to say Dorian?"  
  
"So the lady and the maid?" Dorian asked as he stepped over a particular massive heap of Mark Ruffalo poo, "I wonder if it's anything like the game we have back in Davinter...the magister and the stablehand."  
  
Lydia grumbled but Sara was all like, "Do you get a crown in that one too?"  
  
"No, no crown, but the 'magister' gets to wear a really cool hat."  
  
"Oi Buckles, let's do that one next time," Sara said, "I think I'd be pretty fetch in my knickers and a really cool hat."  
  
Lydia sighed again and said, "Let's worry a little bit less about weird sex stuff and really cool hats and a little more about finding this The Butcher guy alright?  Keep your eyes peeled for clues people!"  Everyone began searching for clues but there were no blue foot prints in sight, just heaps and heaps of Mark Ruffalo poop all over the goddamn place.  Suddenly they found a body with a giant blue footprint on it.  
  
  
  
 _A clue!_  
  
"A clue!" Lydia shouted and ran over to the body.  I totally looked like the guy named The Butcher, but before she had a chance to actually figure out what the clue meant, a platoon of Red Templars showed up and were like, "GRRR!!!"  Varric was like, "DUDES IT'S FUCKING RED TEMPLARS!!! WE GOTTA FIGHT THEM!" and then pulled out Bianca the Crossbow and fired exactly 9,279,281 bolts at the platoon of Red Templars.  Each bolt pieced a vital organ or particular painful dick region of a Red Templar and all of them collapsed in a heap of being dead before Lydia could even draw her big ass sword of ownage or Dorian could cast a fabulous spell.  
  
Sara clapped and was like, "Bravo, yeah?" but no one could tell if she was being sarcastic or not.  
  
Varric was like, "What, I just really hate red lyrium.  Anyway, let's scope out that The Butcher's the body."  
  
Lydia searched the body and found a note that was hella bloody.  The note read, "Dear Dudes, If you are reading this it means I'm totally dead.  Sucks for me...anyway there's a goddamn double agent.  You need to tell Sister Nightingale because she's pretty much the only one I know is not a double agent.  Anyway I should go now, I've got a lot of being dead to do.  Smell ya later.  The Butcher."  
  
"Come on guys we gotta go back to the Skyhold Dream Castle and tell Sister Nightingale about this," Lydia said, "She's that French nun who hates you, right Dorian?"  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
"Ohhhhh...you're Sister Nightingale!  I totally thought it was that French nun," Lydia declared to a war room filled with stunned silence.  
  
It was Cullen who spoke first, "I'm like 900% certain that we told you she was Sister Nightingale...more than once."  
  
"It doesn't matter Cullen," Leliana (aka Sister Nightingale) said, "Thank you for bringing this double agent to our attention.  We will look into it.  There's something else I wanted to discuss with you.  Our scouts found the Mayor of Crestwood and brought him back this morning.  He's in the dungeons awaiting trial if you're feeling up to it."  
  
"Meh, I gotta do it sooner or later.  Send him up.  I'll go wait in my hella uncomfortable Inquisitor chair," Lydia said and headed out to her throne room and sat in her hella uncomfortable Inquisitor chair.  There were hella people milling about since there was a trial happening.  Lydia wondered why they were there, she wouldn't have been there if she didn't have to be.  
  
A few minutes later Mayor McCheese of Crestwood stood before her accuse of drowning an entire town filled with people because maybe they had the Blight.  Lydia tried to stifle a yawn as she said, "Dude that's a pretty shit thing to do even if those people did have the Blight, which we can't prove one way or another because you murdered them all, so I'll give you a death, but I'll make it fast and clean since you haven't really proven yourself to be a dick and you didn't use time machine magic to try and murder me or my fabulous friend, Dorian, so I'll have a headsman do it with a sharp ax.  Anyway, smell ya later dude."  
  
Mayor McCheese sighed, "Smell ya later Inquisitor."  
  
The headsman lead him away and put him on the headsman block, raised his axe, and....  
  
 **Inappropriate Rock Anthem Following Dismemberment a la That One Episode of Game of Thrones!  
**


	11. Dragon Age - S05E11 - Fort Badass II

"Good, you made it," Beezus Hawke said as Lydia approached the cave.  "You have any trouble finding the place?"  
  
"No, not really," Lydia wanted to say, but her brain was just like, "Hot daaaaaaaamn that booty!" and she found herself unable to to speak let alone look the Champion of Kirkwall in the eyes.  God, she was just too beautiful!  That perfect haircut, the nobility of her bosoms, her rapier wit...that ass.  Lydia shook her head, trying to clear her mind. What was she thinking? She loved Sara. "Ummm...no trouble.  You know, we just wrecked house on a bandito fortress, drained a lake, went in an underground cave, closed a rift, executed a mayor for intentionally drowning an entire town full of people, and just ruined a wyvern's shit...you know, your average day as an Inquisitor.   Oh I also saw a couple Grey Wardens on my way here.   They saved some lady from demons, but didn't seem to keen on your buddy Stroud.  By the way, where is he?"  
  
"He's in this cave. Come on, I'll take you to him," Beezus said and headed off into the cave.  
  
Lydia walked after her and soon found herself transfixed by the sway of Beezus' capri pants clad backside. Sara glanced at her and was like, "Buckles, you alright yeah?"  
  
"Yeah I'm fine. Let's just find this Stroud guy and get the crap out of here. I...uhhh...it just...I..ummm...don't like caves."  
  
"Me neither Buckles! Caves is the worst yeah? Cold and dank and spiders...and nugs...ug...nugs are shite. They're like fat fish-faced rats. I hate rats...and fish."  
  
"Stroud's right in there," Beezus said pointing to a door with a giant skull drawn on it.  It looked pretty suspicious but Lydia opened the door and headed into the room behind the door nonetheless and was quickly met by a sword to the neck.  A guy with a fucking amazing mustache stood before her holding a sword which was pointed directly at her jugular vein.  He had the look of a guy who was a Grey Warden named Stroud and when Beezus came into the room and was like, "Yo Stroud, chill out with the swords to the throat of the Inquisitor mang," Lydia's suspicions that the man with a motherfucking mustache to end all mustaches, and the look of a Grey Warden named Stroud was in fact a Grey Warden who was named Stroud, though whether or not Stroud was a common Grey Warden name or if this Stroud was the only Stroud around she could not tell.  
  
Regardless of whether or not this Stroud who stood before her was unique, or merely one of countless Grey Wardens named Stroud, was immaterial for the fellow lowered his sword and began a plot dump to rival even the mightiest of all plot dumps.  "Inquisitor, the Grey Wardens are in a mess of trouble.  Not all that long ago all the Grey Wardens in Orleans began to hear The Calling.  The folks at home know about The Calling because they saw Season 2 where poor Sigrun ended up getting The Calling happen to her, but you don't know about it.  Let me tell you about it.  The Calling is where a Grey Warden feels like he's too Blighted so he's going to die, so he goes into the Deep Roads and fights it out until he dies a hero's death.  Anyway we don't know if this The Calling is legit, or if somehow Coprophila can copy the sound of The Calling, but what we do know is that out in the Western Approach there are a heap of Grey Wardens gathering to do some kind of blood magic bullshit..."  
  
Hawke interjected, "Man blood magic is the absolute motherfucking worst!" in spite the fact that she was pretty much married to a blood mage and walked around with blood on her face.  The audience mumbled, "Man that's weird, I thought she had a pretty broadminded attitude towards blood magic back in season three.  I hope somebody got fired for that blunder..." but the scene continued without anyone being fired or any other sort of deviation for that matter.  
  
Stroud was all like, "We should go check out the Western Approach and stop this bullshit.  Meet me there when you're ready!  Stroud out!"  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
Scout Harding had a grim look upon her face.  "You've sent me to scope out some shitty places Lydia in the past, but this is one of the worst!  There's dust all over the place and shitty hyenas and stuff and not a lot of H2O...the thing you can drink or the shitty 90's hardcore band.  Everyone is like, 'Man this place is pretty much the worst,' but then it gets even more worse because guess what?  There are Davinter suckbags roaming about.  I'm pretty sure that they took over some sort of Fortress out that a ways.  Fort's called Fort Badass II, and it's going to take a lot of manpower to get them out of there, or two homosexual couples on a rampage...either way really.  Anyway I'm going back to the Skyhold Dream Castle to stand outside the bar until the next time you go to an area for the first time.  Smell ya later boss."  
  
"Smell ya later Harding," Lydia replied and the, addressing her combined might of Sara, Dorian, and The Iron Bull, was like, "Alright dudes we've got another Fort Badass to liberate, only this time it's not random banditos...it's goddamn Davinters!"  
  
"Oh my goodness, I did not just hear Scout Harding moments ago inform us of the fact that some Davinters have taken up residence in a fortress near here!" Dorian exclaimed sarcastically, "This is entirely new information to me!  Whatever will we do?"  
  
"I guess go find a heap of Davinter suckbags in a fort and kick the shit out of them," Lydia said and then bellowed, "REGULATORS!!!!!! MOUNT UP!"  She was uncertain if the slogan Varric had come up with was any good or not but for the time being it would have to do.  
  
The posse set out through the wastes.  It was hot work, walking through the wastes and axe chopping the shit out of hyenas and demons that were fool enough to step to the Regulators and after awhile the party stopped to hydrate, only to discover the pond they had stopped at was totally giving off green stench lines.  People were puking all over the goddamn place and The Iron Bull was like, "I bet that Cullen dude's Army Core of Engineers can stop this from having stink lines.   _BARF!!!_ "  
  
" _PUKE!_ Come on guys let's get the crap outta here!" Lydia exclaimed.  
  
The party barfed their way away from the green stink lines and after awhile, they saw it there on the horizon.  Fort Badass II looming like a titan.  It's big ass metal spikes sticking out like a motherfucking porcupine.  It looked impenetrable, but Lydia knew that they had to penetrate the shit out of it unless they wanted the goddamn Davinters to continually fuck with them as the did random Western Approach adventures.  But how to get in without getting stabbed by giant wall spikes?  
 **  
Commercial Break!**  
  
  
"Excuse me, I've got 129 pepperoni pizza's out here for Bruce Venatori!" Lydia shouted as she pounded on the front gate of Fort Badass II.  Dorian, The Iron Bull, and Sara were lying in wait nearby, ready to strike as soon as an unsuspecting doorman took the bait and opened to door to be like, "Yo we didn't order 129 pepperoni pizzas!"  She'd been yelling for awhile already and was starting to worry that maybe the Davinter suckbags were smarter than they looked.  She was just about to head back to her companions to devise a more straight forward, "Ok Bull you kick down the door, than Dorian and Sara will blast dudes with magic shit and arrows respectively and I will do a big swing with my sweet ass axe of ownage and chopfuck the shit out of these jokers," plan, but as she turned to walk away she heard the sound of movement from behind the door and a moment later the door opened.  
  
The Davinter suckbag who opened the door took one look at Lydia and was like, "Dude, you're not a pizza delivery girl!  What the fuc..." but before he could get the K and question mark out, his house was totally wrecked, but the sound of houses being wrecked drew the attention of the Davinters within Fort Badass II far faster than banging on the door shouting about 129 pepperoni pizzas ever could and soon a heap of Davinter suckbags were there trying to wreck house on Lydia and her crew.  Fortunately Lydia had studied the way of the Templars and canceled the shit out of the Davinter's shitty wizard shit.  
  
Lydia and company fought their way through the fortress, chopping the shit out of any Davinter suckbag who was like, "Hey you're invading the fort we're squatting in!  What the fuck mang?"  With Lydia's Templar powers the Davinters were pretty much easy kills.  They got wrecked badly.  Up on the roof there was a Davinter mini-boss who yelled some shit about how he was going to knock Lydia's block off, but he was a punk mark buster and he got knocked the fuck out (and then axed in the ass).  There was so much blood, but Lydia looked around and was like, "Dudes...Fort Badass II is totally ours.  Dorian you want to do the honors and raise the flag?"  
  
Dorian raised the flag.  Fort Badass II was the property of the Inquisition.  That's how rocking the Inquisition was. 


	12. Dragon Age - S05E12 - Seeking the Seekers

Lydia bid farewell to Dorian, Sara and the Iron Bull at the gates of the Skyhold Dream Castle and walked across the courtyard. The recently conquered Fort Badass II had kept them occupied in the Western Approach for far longer than they had anticipated and now that everyone was back in the relative comfort of the Dream Castle beers and baths could be had. She noticed Cassandra sharpening her sword, honing the edge to razor sharpness. As Lydia walked by, the Seeker glanced up from her work and greeted her, "Lady Inquisitor, I trust you are well. If you have a moment there's something I wish to discuss with you...of a rather personal nature."  
  
"Cassandra, I appreciate it, really I do.  I mean you're brave and honestly, you're fucking beautiful, but I think you're a little too old for me, and anyway I'm dating Sara now," Lydia said.  
  
Cassandra sighed and stopped sharpening her sword.  "That's not what I meant.  I'm strictly dickly you know.  It's about the Seekers.  They've gone missing and I want to find them.  I know I'm not in their order anymore, but the Seekers were like my family.  I had friends there and wonder about what might have happened to them."  
  
"Alright Cassandra, I can tell this is important to you, so I'll help you out.  I'll have Sister Nightingale look into it for you," Lydia replied, and then, dropping her voice to a nearly inaudible whisper added, "Sister Nightingale is Leliana in case you didn't know."  
  
"You would do this for me?" Cassandra asked.  
  
Lydia smiled and said, "Yeah of course I'll help you with this.  Just because we don't want to hump each other doesn't mean we can't be friends.  Honestly there's only a couple of you that I'd even consider humping, but I think that's a different talk for a different time.  I'll go talk to them about this thing right now.  Smell ya later Cassandra."  
  
Cassandra bid Lydia farewell and Lydia set off up the stairs into the Skyhold Dream Castle, past the hustle and hubbub of the throne room where people milled about asking each other whether or not there was a trial scheduled for that afternoon, down the hallway that served as Josephine's office where Lydia saw Blackwall rather heroically macking it to the Antivan nerd, down the hallway with the one wall still totally caved in and into the war room.  The war table was covered with hundreds of painstakingly hand painted miniatures from the game of Warhammer that Cullen and Josephine had started shortly after arriving at the Skyhold Dream Castle.  
  
  
 _The war table..._    
  
"Leliana, or maybe I should call you Sister Nightingale...wink, wink, nudge, nudge...I have a favor to ask you and I need your eyes and ears," Lydia said as she strolled into the war room like a goddamn boss, "Some Seekers disappeared and I want to find out what the score is."  
  
"Disappeared Seekers?  This sounds more like some kind of Cassandra shit than something you'd care about.  You know she's straight right?" Leliana said.  
  
"Yes I now know she's straight...and even if she weren't I wouldn't care because I'm dating Sara, but none of that really matters, because she's our friend and she's worried about this shit so just send some people to look into it or however this stuff works," Lydia said.  
  
"Alright, I'll have some people look into it."  
  
 _Law & Order Noise To Signify a Change of Time and/or Venue_  
  
  
The New & Improved Monks Cafe was super crowded, yet Lydia and Sara found themselves seated in a spacious booth located right at the windows.  Being Inquisitor did have some perks beyond bigger backpacks and potion satchels after all.  The waitress put two plates of food down on the table and said, "If there's anything else I can get ya hon, just let me know," and walked off.  Getting served breakfast before people who had clearly ordered before her was apparently another one of the perks of being the bigwig.  
  
"So I was thinking yeah?  That we get ourselves some matching hats right?  I think we'd be pretty fetch in some matching hats," Sara said and then stuffed a forkful of flapjack into her mouth.  
  
Lydia put her coffee mug down and asked, "Would this be an us us thing or an all of us thing?  If it's the latter I don't know if Vivian would go in for matching hats..."  
  
"Don't be daft yeah, it would be an us us thing.  You think I want to wear matching hats with that ponce Solas...or worse that creepy git, Cole?"  
  
Lydia started laughing, "Oh my god, you know what we should do?  We should totally get Cole hats!"  
  
"What?!  Ew...no!  That's seriously the stupidest, ugliest hat I've ever seen in my life!" Sara stuck out her tongue and made a rude noise, "Seriously have you seen an uglier hat than that ridiculous thing he wears?"  
  
"That's why we have to do it," Lydia said, wiping the tears from her eyes, "Can you imagine the look on Dorian's face if we both showed up one day wearing stupid Cole hats and were all like, 'What?  These things are super cool back in Skyhold these days...you might know that if you ever went out of the library.'"  
  
Sara started laughing, "Do you think we could get him to wear one too?  I bet if we could Vivi would start wearing one too yeah?  Oh I knew there was a reason I loved you Buckles."  
  
"Lady Inquisitor, I'm sorry to interrupt but my scouts have returned with news about those missing Seekers," Lydia looked up and saw Leliana (aka Sister Nightingale) standing beside their booth, "My scouts tracked them to the mountain estate of a Feldsparian lord, Bann Somerandomdude, but did not get too close to the estate for fear of being discovered.  You may wish to look into it."  She turned to leave and as she walked away she was all like, "Oh and Sara, if you figure out a way to convince her to wear matching vestments, please let me know.  I've been trying to talk my beloved Odette into wearing matching shoes and vestments with me for years and have yet to find a way to convince her of how charming it would be."  
  
"Alright whatever," Sara said somewhat dismissively as she shoveled a forkful of flapjack into her mouth, "Maybe start by talking like people people instead of yer 'vestamants' and that rubbish."  
  
Lydia laughed and the asked, "So Sara you feel like coming to some rich dude's mountain estate?  There's a 9038% chance that you'll get to slap a nobleman around if this goes the way almost all of our trips outside the Skyhold Dream Castle seem to go."  
  
"Alright, let me just finish my brekkie yeah?" she replied and then picked up the plate and began to push the remaining food into her mouth.  When she was finished she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and let out a mighty belch before declaring herself ready to go.  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
The mountain air was as crisp and clean as the mountain air in a commercial for a mass produced domestic beer.  Tiny, adorable birds twittered and tweeted as Lydia, Dorian, Cassandra and Sara made their way up the mountain path.  If it was not already a forgone conclusion that they would be attacked by demons or Red Templars, or asshole Seekers, or traitorous noblemangs, it would have been a lovely day and place for a picnic.  As they walked up the path towards to mountain castle Cassandra expressed her shock and dismay that Bann Somerandomdude might be involved in shenanigans.  
  
"I know Bann Somerandomdude.  He's always show himself to be a good dude.  I have a hard time believing that he might be involved in evil plans, diabolically plots or wicked machinations," she said, "We should totally break into his castle and find out what's going on."  
  
So that was precisely what they did.  They found the entrance to Bann Somerandomdude's basement and crept in only to be attacked almost instantaneously by a heap of swordsmen.  "It's Burning Tomorrow cultist!" Cassandra shouted as the swordsmen got chopped into tiny bits by Lydia's sweetass axe of ownage.  With the cultists' shit completely and utterly ruined, Cassandra dumped a heap of plot on everyone regarding the Burning Tomorrow cultists.  They were apparently a doomsday cult who hated the Seekers for allegedly stealing their powers (which Lydia assumed to be the power to be bad at sword fighting in a basement).  These cultists believed that the only way to rid the world of evil was to destroy the entire world.  
  
"The fact that the Burning Tomorrow cultists are here and maybe working for Coprophila isn't really awesome," Cassandra said, "We need to do some more investigating."  
  
The party thought Cassandra's advice was pretty good and scouted about in the basement and found the body of a Seeker that looked like it had been tortured.  Cassandra was pretty pissed off and vowed to get revenge on whoever had done that to her fellow Seeker.  She rushed out of the basement into the courtyard and was promptly attacked by more Burning Tomorrow cultists who once more were owned without anyone even breaking a sweat.  Following the battle Cassandra set to work rummaging through the heaps of chopped up cultists looking for clues.  A clue was found in the form of a blood splattered letter that read, "To Whom It May Concern, We tried feeding these Seekers red lyrium, but it didn't work so Coprophilia is sending them to do with what you will.  Your Bud, Samson."  
  
"Man that is pretty fucked," Lydia said, "Samson and Coprophilia and these Burning Tomorrow jokers are all working together..."  
  
Cassandra nodded, "We should keep up our search.  Maybe we can find some Seekers who still yet live.  Come!  To the castle proper!"  
  
The party busted into the castle proper and were once more waylaid by a scrum of Burning Tomorrow cultists who exploded into heaps of being dead almost as soon as they charged at Lydia and her crew.  Lydia had to laugh at how non-triumphant the cultists were.  With the cultists dead, and barely a scratch on Lydia's party, they pressed on further into the castle, coming upon a young man collapsed on a staircase that Cassandra yelled, "Daniel!" at.  
  
" _Kaff!  Kaff!_  There's a demon inside me, Cassandra," Daniel said, taking a massive plot dump right there next to the stairs, "They fed me stuff...it was gross.  Anyway Head Seeker Ludicrous was behind this entire thing.  He sent us here a couple Seekers at a time, never telling us what the deal was.  By the time we figure it out it was too later.   _Kaff!  Kaff!_ "  
  
"But how can Seeker Ludicrous be here?  We met him on Orleans months ago!" Lydia shouted.  
  
"That was a demon pretending to be Ludicrous," Daniel said, "This whole thing is totally fucked up... _kaff!_  Oh god it hurts so bad!  Please help me!"  
  
"Oh Daniel...I will avenge you!" Cassandra said and stabbed Daniel in the face with a plot sword, giving him the mercy of a quick death.  
  
"Do you think those two did it before?" Sara asked in a whisper.  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
They pressed on up another mountain pass.  This one lacked twitter birds and the crisp, refreshing air of a beer commercial.  There was fog and crumbling buildings and more Burning Tomorrow cultists to chop the shit out of with the greatest of ease.  Cassandra had a determined look of determination on her face that Sara insisted was the same look she would have if she had to avenge Lydia's death and thus reasoned out that Cassandra and Daniel had boned at least several dozen times.  
  
A path of destruction was cleaved up the mountain that lead to a clearing where they found Head Seeker Ludicrous.  He, too, felt the need to plot dump and was like, "Dudes, I just wanted to make a better world.  I read this amazing book called The Big Book of Secrets and learned that The Seekers made a royally fucked up world.  Now I've got a chance to fix it by starting over from scratch.  I've seen the future and it so bright I've gotta wear shades!"  
  
"That dude is talking crazy talk!" Lydia shouted.  
  
"Luda!  You talk about making a better world, but you killed your fellow Seekers!  You killed our friends!" Cassandra shouted, "And now you must die!"  
  
Lydia drew her axe, ready for what was certain to be the first real battle since she'd entered Bann Somerandomdude's castle.  "Cassandra is tough as shit," she thought to herself, "These other Seekers must be pretty rough too!"  But Lydia's thoughts proved incorrect, for apparently Ludicrous and the other Seekers had taken lessons in how to die like a putz from the Burning Tomorrow cultists and before Lydia's big swing finished its rotation the battle was won.  Cassandra looted the Big Book of Secrets and other less significant loot and was like, "Let's go back to the Skyhold Dream Castle...I've got a lot of shit to think about."  
  
 _Law & Order Noise To Signify a Change of Time and/or Venue_  
  
  
Cassandra sat alone at a table in The New & Improved Monks Cafe with a copy of the Big Book of Secrets opened before her.  Lydia looked at the Seeker and was like, "Are you alright?  You look hella tired."  
  
Cassandra closed the book and stiffled a yawn.  "I'm fine.  It's just this book...it's a pretty big plot dump.  You know about making mages Tranquil?"  
  
"Yeah, it seems pretty shitty.  They lose their personality...the ability to dream.  Seems like death would be a less shitty thing to do to a mage who's out of control," Lydia replied.  
  
"The Seekers invented that shit...and also the cure."  
  
"Wait there's a cure?" Lydia asked.  
  
"Yeah I didn't know about it either but there's a cure.  They did it to me...made me tranquil that is.  Remember I told you about the time I meditated for a month?  They made me tranquil during that time and then healed me.  I had no idea...no one does," Cassandra said, "Or at least no one did.  Some mages found out about the cure and that's what kicked off the big rebellion you quashed."  
  
"So are you going to look into this cure?" Lydia asked.  
  
"I will, but it's going to take time...and I don't know if I should do so as a Seeker.  The Seeker brand seems pretty poisoned at this point."  
  
"Cassandra, if anyone can bring the Seekers back, it's you.  You're a good person and you have a chance now to turn the Seekers from something stupid and lame into something truly great...like Steve Jobs when he went back to Apple in the late 90s after getting shitcanned in the late 80s or whenever," Lydia said, "Make curing Tranquility your iPhone.  Let that put the Seekers back on the map.  I have total faith in you."  
  
"Thank you Lydia.  That means a lot."  
  
"How much does it mean?" Lydia asked and raised her eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"Not that much!"  
  
 **To Be Continued...**


	13. Dragon Age - S05E13 - A For Reals Dragon

The weekly Monday morning staff meetings were always kind of a drag. There were too many middle managers talking about minutiae that Lydia, as Inquisitor of the Inquisition could not be bothered to care about. The price of elfroot in Redcliffe mattered little to her. Wasn't the whole point of having middle managers not having to hear about difficulties in the procurement of red steel? She had just nearly fallen asleep when the Hinterland regional manager shouted out, "Dragons!"  
  
Lydia shook her head and sat up a little bit straighter in her chair as the fellow continued, "Now that I've got your attention, I want to talk to you about an issue that's currently giving us a lot of trouble out in the Hinterlands." Lydia found herself falling back asleep until the regional manager said, "No, I'm not talking about the scarcity of Royal Elfroot. I'm talking about dragons! Namely that one dragon wrecking house in our Hinterland sales region. Since that dragon took roost in the Hinterlands, tourism is down 38% and exports are down 78%. We need someone to take care of that dragon if we are going to have a heck of a time meeting our sales target for the quarter. I recommend hiring a company of dragon hunters to take care of it. The best dragon hunters are out of Nevarra, but as you can imagine they're rather pricey. I've put together a list of companies and their rates that you can see in the scrolls I've handed out. If money is an issue there are 'dragon' hunters out of Orleans. Honestly the bulk of these companies specialize in wyverns, but they're a lot cheaper and since the dragon that's giving us trouble is still rather young, they might be able to handle it without too much trouble. Their prices can be found beginning at line 87 of the scroll. Of course we can also..."  
  
Before the regional manager could continue, Lydia interjected, "I'll do it. I'll go kill that dragon."  
  
Everyone in the conference room turned towards her aghast. There were cries of "You can't be serious! You're the chairman! You can't go kill a dragon!" from the middle managers and board of directors. Lydia assured them that not only could she kill a dragon, but she totally would and that the next person who told her what she couldn't do would need to find a new Inquisition to join.  
  
"Anyway I'm going to go kill this dragon, so I've got a lot of shit to do so we're going to have to wrap it up," Lydia said, "I mean if any of you have any other shit to hash out about ore deposits and logging stands or shit like that you're welcome to stick around and discuss it, but I've got a dragon to slay, so smell ya later one and all."  
  
She stood and walked out of the conference room to stunned silence and down the steps into the courtyard.  Why hadn't she thought of this before?  It was such a perfect way to avoid these stupid staff meetings, "Sorry guys, got a dragon to kill, can't make it to the meeting."  As she walked across the courtyard she thought about who'd be the best to take with her.  Sara, because she'd kill her if she found out Lydia went and not only looked at a dragon, but killed the shit out of one without her, Iron Bull because the dude was built like a brick shithouse and could probably kill the shit out of a dragon himself, and Dorian because he had that one spell that temporarily made people not get damaged by foes.  It would be a pretty good team, that is, if she could convince them to go try and kill a dragon with her...  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
"HOLY SHIT!!! THIS LOOKS LIKE DRAGON HUNTING GROUNDS!!!" The Iron Bull ejaculated as he and the others made their way into the valley that the stupid dragon had taken up residence in in the Hinterland, "THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING AWESOME MANG!!"  
  
"Yes Bull, this is where a dragon lives and hunts," Lydia said, "I don't know why you seem so surprised.  I totally told you we were coming here specifically to fight a dragon before we left.  Did you somehow forget why we were here?"  
  
"Sorry Boss, it's just I kind of lose my shit when it comes to DRAGONS!!  GOD FUCKIN' DAMN THEY ARE JUST SO AWESOME!!!  THIS FIGHT IS GOING TO FUCKING RULE!!!!" The Iron Bull shouted and then thumped a meaty fist into his pillowy man bosom.  
  
"Bull, you're going to stand in front of me then yeah?" Sara asked, "Cuz the last time I was here that dragon tried to eat me, and I really don't want to get eaten today right?"  
  
"Enough witty banter," Lydia said, "We need to be ready.  That dragon could be anywhere and we don't want to get caught unaware by an angry dragon."  
  
"Yes Mom..." The Iron Bull said, sounding disappointed.  
  
The party tramped across the burninated countryside that the dragon had turned into some kind of goddamn hunting grounds.  There were corpses all over the goddamn place and smoldering embers covered vast swaths of the once lush valley.  Occasionally a mini-dragon would rush all up on the party but the mini-dragons were pretty much a joke for a crew with as much raw homosexual might as Lydia's Regulators.  Big swings with a sweetass axe of ownage and various wizard shit put those mini-dragons on blast as Lydia and her friends crossed the blackened landscape.   
  
Overhead there was terrible screeching and a great flapping of wings that buffeted the party as the goddamn dragon flew by and landed down in an abandoned quarry several meters away.  The Iron Bull's face lit up with glee when he saw the great reptile and he shouted, "LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT MOTHERFUCKER!  HOLY SHIT THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT!!"  
  
Lydia swallowed hard and readied her sweetass axe of ownage and then with a mighty cry, shouted, "REGULATORS!!!!!!!!!!! MOUNT UP!!!!!!!"  
  
She and The Iron Bull rushed towards the great monster while Sara and Dorian stayed further out of range, pelting the fiend with arrows and wizard shit.  Lydia screamed and cleaved the dragon's shin with her sweetass axe of ownage.  The dragon screamed in rage and barfed fire all over the place.  Some of the embers took to the wind and hit Sara, burning several small holes in her capri pants.  Sara shouted an oath at the dragon and shot about 937 arrows before declaring, "Now you have holes in stuff that you like too you stupid git dragon!"  
  
The dragon looked super pissed off and scream out for assistance.  A heap of mini-dragons heeded the call and came rushing forward and got all up in Dorian's grill.  "Bull, stay with this one, I've got hella AOE attacks, I'll go take care of those mini-dragons before Dorian's shit gets completely and utterly ruined."  
  
The Iron Bull just shouted, "DRAGONS!!!!" which Lydia could only assumed meant, "I understand Boss, go get those mini-dragons, I'll keep this big fucker away from Sara and Dorian."  
  
Lydia rushed forward, her mighty axe swinging in a deadly arc that cleaved the shit out of the mini-dragons who were fool enough to try and step to her.  Soon there was a heap of baby back ribs that had once, mere moments ago, been a heap of mini-dragons.  Dorian tipped his hat to her and said, "Much obliged ma'am," before launching another volley of wizard shit at the massive fire barfing dragon that The Iron Bull was slamming into with his shield while screaming "DRAGONS!!!!!" to the heavens.  
  
As Lydia rushed back to the big ass dragon she could see that the axes and sheild slams and arrows and wizard shit had already taken a toll on the giant lizard and it was bleeding profusely for its wherever.  It would probably just take a few more swings of her sweet ass axe of ownage to completely ruin that dragon's shit.  With a mighty war cry, Lydia charged the fiendish lizard monster, leaped into the air and brought down a heavy blade that cut the dragon's head right off its goddamn neck.  There was a volcano of blood and gore as the head rolled from the neck and the mighty beast's body collapsed in a heap of being dead.  
  
"FUCKING DRAGONS!!!!!!!!!" The Iron Bull scremed triumphantly.  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
Lydia walked into the Skyhold Dream Castle brew pub.  A cheer of "NORM!" went up as she crossed the pub to the bar and sat down next to The Iron Bull.  Word of her dragon killing prowess had already spread through the camp and people had taken to calling her "Norm," after the great dragon warrior of the third age Ser Norm Peterson.    
  
"Ah Boss, let us drink to our glorious victory!" he said and pour a mug of some rather foul smelling booze.  He raised his cup and bellowed, "TO DRAGONS!"  
  
"To dragons!" Lydia repeated and knocked back the mug of mystery brew.  Her entire body was thrown into revolt, "Oh my god what is that?  It tastes like burning..."  
  
"I know!  It will put a little more chest on your chest!" The Iron Bull said as he refilled the mugs, "The first glass is the worst, from the second on it's smooth sailing because your entire mouth will already be numb."  He raised his glass again and once more screamed, "TO DRAGONS!"  
  
"To dragons..." Lydia muttered and downed another glass of the vile brew.  She coughed, but The Iron Bull had told true, the second glass had not been as revolting as the first.  "So Bull why were you so gung ho about fighting a dragon?"  
  
"Dude have you seen a fucking dragon?  Look at them!  They are like the toughest, wildest thing out there, so if you can stand toe to toe with one and kick it's ass...holy shit mang!  IT'S FUCKING DRAGONS!!!" Bull said, "Besides, they're pretty much the closest thing to a sacred thing that the Qunari have."  He poured two more mugs of the horrible liquor and held his cup aloft.  
  
"You're making me regret killing it Bull," Lydia said.  
  
"Nah, they're wild and out of control and need to be put down so people don't get hurt," he said and then once more held aloft his mug and shouted, "TO DRAGONS!"  
  
Lydia shouted out, "AND KICKING THEIR ASSES!" and after she and The Iron Bull clinked mugs she downed the horrible liquor.  She felt drunker than drunk as she stood and stumbled slightly.  "Ahm gonna go make sex at Surrah..." she mumbled as she stumbled away from the bar, knocking a stool over as she passed by.  
  
"Nice drinking with you boss," Bull said, seemingly unaffected by the gutrot they'd been chugging, "Let's do this again some time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: Last night was one of those "I played for two hours and did a lot of stuff but none of it is worth writing about," nights of playing, but fortunately I killed a dragon the other day and never wrote about it so that's what you got today instead of "And then they went to the Exalted Plains so Vivian could pick up a book...and then they went to the Western Approach so she could do the same thing again and then back at Skyhold Lydia talked to Vivian about books and then nothing else happened with Vivian so they went to go kill mages or templars or whatever for Cassandra but there was a gate that they couldn't open in the Western Approach so they didn't kill that last one."


	14. Dragon Age - S05E14 - It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Prison

A dusty desert wind blew dust and desert all over the place in Fort Badass II as Lydia walked the grounds with Tony, the former Templar. Tony had taken up the overseeing of the day to day running of the fort and had done a pretty admirable job with very few resources. Lydia was perhaps most impressed with the way Tony had been able to transform a stretch of desert that gave off green stink lines into a series of decks and patios suitable for a summer afternoon barbecue.  
  
"I like the decks, porches, and patios out there Tony," Lydia said as the looked down from the parapet of Fort Badass II.  
  
"It wasn't too hard boss, one of the guys had a book on how to build decks and we just had to modify a really basic one a little bit to withstand green stink lines and from there it was all good," the former Templar said, "There is, though, a little problem now. Darkspawns. After we built the deck we went to have a few beers and grill up some burgers...you know, to make the deck official. The burgers were just about ready when a mess of darkspawns showed up. We try to be good neighbors, you know, offer them some burgers and a couple cold ones, but they knocked over the grill and smashed the keg with an axe so it exploded and beer went everywhere except into our guts. It would have been bad enough if they just threw our burgers on the ground and were done with it, but since that barbecue gone wrong, the darkspawns have been fucking with us every chance they get...you know egging our Fort Badass II and leaving flaming bags of varghast shit on our doorstep. It's getting pretty bad. So I was thinking, since you've got a Grey Warden buddy, maybe you guys could look into it, find out where these darkspawn are coming from and tell them to knock this shit off."  
  
"Alright Tony, I'll look into it," Lydia said, "But we're going to need some burgers and beers when we get back. Tracking down darkspawns is thirsty work!"  
  
"You got it Boss!"  
  
Lydia climbed down off the walls and found her companion, Blackwall.  The Grey Warden's attitude towards Lydia had improved markedly since he had learned that she was dating Sara and thus not interested in the Antivan nerd cum diplomat, Josephine, and he greeted her warmly as she approached his tent, "Lady Inquisitor, always a pleasure!  I trust Sara is well...as charming as ever undoubtedly."  
  
"Yes, yes, she's fine," Lydia replied, "I have a job that kind of falls under your area of expertise.  There are some darkspawn in the area that hate keg parties and backyard barbecues.  We need to find out where they're coming from and stop them.  I figure since you have the most experience in dealing with these guys you might want to come along."  
  
"Of course milady," Blackwall replied as he gathered up his equipment, "I'm ready whenever you are."  
  
A few minutes later, after fetching Sara and Dorian, Lydia and Blackwall set off to hunt down the barbecue loathing darkspawn menace that was making Fort Badass II a slightly less awesome place to live and grill.  Their stroll along the copious decks and porches Tony and his crew had assembled was rather rudely interrupted by various darkspawns and also dragons with furry tails.  Lydia and her crew weren't going to let the darkspawns or fur-tailed dragons get in the way of a good walk along a deck and thus chopfucked them to shit with axes and bows and wizard shit before continuing on their patio based stroll through the Western Approach.  
  
The soon found themselves at the end of the porch, standing before an abandoned old jail out in the middle of nowhere.  There were all sorts of darkspawns creeping about low and nasty.  Blackwall nodded like a boss and was like, "I think that's the problem.  Those darkspawns built themselves a little nest in that old timey jail..."  
 **  
Commercial Break!**  
  
  
The inside of the old timey jail was crawling with darkspawn of all sort.  The tall skinny kind, and the thick kind with a big ass hammer.  There didn't seem to be any not-goblins or those weird things with really long arms and wolverine claws that sometime Leliana talked about when discussing the Deep Roads with Blackwall.  It didn't matter though, they all got arrowed to hell or burninated or axed up and axed down.  There were heaps of darkspawn parts accruing in the hallways as Lydia and her friends strolled through the halls.  
  
"Blackwall, this seems like kind of a lot of darkspawns to just be darkspawns who wandered in and made a nest," Lydia said as she cleaved the head off the shoulders of a particularly ugly not-orc.  It was the 32nd such not-orc she had killed since coming into the prison.  
  
"You know, you're probably right.  There's probably some sort of hole leading into the Deep Roads that they're coming up through.  We should find it and close it up," the Grey Warden said and then pointed, "Oh over there, that totally seems to be a hole into the Deep Roads."  
  
Dorian strode forward and was like, "Allow me to deal with that!"  He then magicked the shit out of some logs and debris to form a wall that covered the hole into the Deep Roads, before declaring, "Mission accomplished!" and dusting off his hands.  
  
"You know, that doesn't seem like an accidental hole into the Deep Roads.  See look there are shovels and shit all over the place," Blackwall said, "We should figure out who was digging into the Deep Roads and why."  
  
Lydia nodded like a silent protagonist and then said, "Okay, let's do that."  
  
The crew continued looking around the old timey jail, looking for clues as to who or what may have been digging into the Deep Roads.  A heap of treasure was found as well as a couple notes that seemed to indicate that some Davinter suckbags were behind the digging and that those responsible may have been in a ruined fort not that far from the prison.  "We should totally go to that fort and fuck those guys up for ruining our dudes' barbecues with an attack of darkspawns!" Lydia shouted when learning of the Davinter style treachery committed by the Davinters.  As she shouted the ground shook.  
  
"Did I do that?" Lydia asked in a voice that mimicked tolerated 90s TV character Steve Urkel.  
  
"I don't think so," Blackwall said, "But in the words of every single Star Wars character ever, 'I have a bad feeling about this.'  We should probably get out of here before whatever it was that caused the ground to give you and Sara vibration induced orgasms decides to show itself."  
  
"Maybe it's just one of those Japanese egg things yeah?  Like a really big one," Sara said hopefully.  
  
"I doubt it's a Japanese made vibrator that is causing the ground to tremble Sara," Dorian replied, "More likely it's some manner of ancient horror that will attempt to squash and or eat us."  
  
"Shite.  That doesn't sound half as fun as a giant one of those eggs does it Buckles?"  
  
"Not in the least," Lydia replied, "So let's get out of here, like Blackwall suggested so we can return to Skyhold Dream Castle where we have a normal sized version of one of those egg things and zero ancient horrors waiting to kill us."  
  
"Does that creepy bloke with the shit hat count as an ancient horror or not?" Sara asked.  
  
"Probably not...I mean maybe he's ancient and a horror, but he's not giant sized and doesn't cause the ground to tremble when he's near," Lydia said.  
  
"Too bad, that, yeah?  I mean maybe if he made my ladybits tremble when he walked around I might like him a bit more yeah?" Sara said, "Though I might have to move.  He's always creeping about in the attic above my room, and if he gave me an orgasm every time he took a step, I doubt I'd ever be able to sleep."  
  
"As enlightening as this has all been I think we should probably hit the bricks," Dorian said as the ground once more shook quite vigorously.  
  
Lydia again nodded like a silent video game protagonist and declared, "Okay, let's do that!"  She and her friends then ran towards the backdoor, fleeing from whatever it was that was causing such shaking and quaking to occur.  As the ran out the backdoor the suddenly realized that they'd done goofed.  They had not been fleeing from whatever was making the ground shake like a bag of Shake N' Bake they had instead run right into it.  There in the backyard of the old timey jail was a Big Fuckin' Giant and he looked pissed.  There were scattered bits of rhinos and Davinter suckbags that the giant had clearly wrecked house on already all over the goddamn place.  Lydia did not want to be next and thus readied her chopper deluxe and rushed at the giant, chopping the shit out of his shin.  
  
The BFG (Big Fuckin' Giant) howled in agony as his shin was assailed by Lydia with the fury of a house cat attempting to avoid being put into a cat carrier to go to the vet's office.   _CHOP!  CHOP!  CHOP!_   Her chopper deluxe chopped at the BFG's shins until the howling beast collapsed.  It rolled about in the yard screaming in pain as it clutched its shin.  Lydia saw her opening and leaped up and chopped the giant right in the dome.   _BOOM!_  Game over punk.  The Big Fuckin' Giant was totally dead.  Blood all over the place.  It was a goddamn mess.  
  
But Lydia did not do a victory dance, instead she was like, "We gotta hurry if we want to capture those other Davinter suckbags for unleashing this sort of bullshit on us."  
 **  
Commercial Break!**  
  
  
The fortress was a crumbling wreck.  Nowhere near as awesome as Fort Badass or Fort Badass II.  In fact it was such a crumbling wreck that Lydia and her friends had obtained access to the fort by merely walking through a hole in one of the walls of the fort.  The Davinter suckbags within the fort were not to pleased to have their privacy invaded in this fashion and ran all up on with suck magic and swords and shit, trying to ruin Lydia's day, but she would not have her day ruined so easily and got out chopper deluxe to ruin the shit of the Davinters utterly and completely.  
  
Oh how easily chopper deluxe wrecked house.  So simply and inelegantly did it cleave limb from body.  Blood and gore spewed like festive New Years fireworks as the chopper deluxe plied its gruesome trade.  Lydia danced the dance of death, swing and leaping about, leaving a trail of carnage in her wake.  Never again would these Davinters ruin an Inquisition barbecue with unearthed darkspawn armies.  Before her a Davinter tried to flee but Lydia bellowed and leaped forward, slamming chopper deluxe into the fellow's dome, but surprisingly his dome remained intact.  There was no explosion of brain matter or satisfying crunch of bone being shattered.  The dude merely collapsed, unconscious.  
  
"He's still alive Lydia," Blackwall said after checking the fellow's pulse.  
  
"Carve, 'The Inquisition was here!' on his arse!" Sara shouted.  
  
"Nah, we're going to take him back to Skyhold and put him on trial," Lydia said, "There hasn't been a trial in awhile and trial fans lurking in the throne room are getting kind of annoying about it.  They're always asking me, 'Yo Big Ink when we going to have a trial again?' and shit.  It's pretty annoying."  
  
"I guess," Sara said and pouted.  
  
"Come on guys let's go have a show trial back at the Skyhold Dream Castle!"  
 _  
Law & Order Noise To Signify a Change of Time and/or Venue_  
  
  
Josephine stood like a nerd goddess, eyeing her clipboard as Lydia lounged in her throne.  She'd taken to using an old Chantry throne she'd found in the basement instead of the pointed monstrosity the Inquisition had prepared for her.  How did they expect her to do anything when various spikes were jabbing her in places...unmentionable places?  
  
"Uh...this Davinter guy is accused of working for Coprophila and unleashing some darkspawns that ruined several barbecues and keg parties...and also of smuggling magic shit out of the Western Approaches unbeknownst to Coprophilia," Josephine said.  
  
"For real?  Dude you must have balls of steel to steal from that Coprophilia dude.  I'm honestly a little impressed," Lydia said.  
  
"My lady, I made a grave mistake, one I regret, but as you see, I have some useful skills...skills like balls of steel and a knowledge of smuggling that I would put at your disposal should you spare my life," the Davinter suckbag said.  
  
"Are you attempting to make a business deal with me while I'm putting you on trial for ruining a barbecue?" Lydia laughed, "You do have balls of steel!  Very well Davinter.  You will be under the employ of the Inquisition from this day forth.  Should you happen to find any interesting magical artifacts here or in Davinter, I want them.  Okay, trial's done.  Peace out."  
  
She stood and walked from her throne back to her bedchambers.  As she strolled away she heard trial fans muttering "Worst trial ever!" under their breath and, "I know, she didn't even exile or execute that guy.  Hired him as a smuggler?  What the fuck."  
  
Sara was already in her bedchamber when she arrived.  She did not look happy.  "I heard you hired that Davinter suckbag yeah?" she muttered, "Why'd you do that?  You know those shits are evil right what with their finger waggling and stupid hats and magic shite!  You should have just left him to die in that fortress yeah?"  
  
Had she made a huge mistake in not chopping off that stupid Davinter's head or leaving him to be eaten by fur-tailed mini-dragons out in the Western Approach?  She found herself apologizing, "Sara, I'm sorry.  I would never do anything to make you angry.  I just thought that by using that stupid Davinter we could beat Coprophilia faster and put this entire stupid Inquisition behind us...we could leave Skyhold forever, just you and I.  We could get an apartment together in Val Royal or Kirkwall or something and just live like people people.  No more of this stupid bullshit."  
  
"You're pretty good at this Buckles."  
  
"Good at what?"  
  
"Making me not angry at you," Sara said as she lunged at Lydia and tackled her onto a sofa, "Now let's get these pantaloons off yeah?"  
  
 _Fade Out_


	15. Dragon Age – S05E15 – Goats

Chad “Barfy” Bartholomew’s life had always been fairly boring until the day several months earlier his friend Brent Luxembourg convinced him to join the Inquisition. Barfy remembered how excitedly Brent had spoken of the Inquisition, “Dude it will be fucking awesome! We’ll get to see the world, and fuck all the finest ladies. Ladies love a man in uniform! Imagine it dude you and me double teaming some Antivan bar skank…it will be fucking awesome!” Brent had died during the attack in Haven before they’d finished basic training and therefore never got to know the real truth about being a foot soldier for the Inquisition.  
  
In the months that had passed since joining the only Antivan lady Barfy had seen since was the puffy shirted diplomat, Lady Montigue or Monahan, and she was hardly a babe. As for seeing the world? Barfy had to admit that the swamps of Fallow Mire technically did count as part of the world, but a more stinking, vile part he could not imagine. There was murk and mosquitoes and undead warriors, but perhaps worst of all were the Southron barbarians that held the lands. The goathumpers that called these swamps home had been giving the Inquisition troops trouble since they’d arrived. At first it had been stupid shit: a stolen rucksack or pilfered spears, but lately it had become violent with the goathumpers setting traps along known patrol routes and occasional bowfire at Inquisition camps.  
  
Barfy spat and leaned against his spear. No, the comely lasses wanting to jump his bones and the exciting ports of call were kind of a lie, but there was a lot of standing around in the cold, “guarding” camp from something or other. As Barfy tried to stifle a yawn he noticed a flash of light streak across the sky, followed by another and then another. It took a moment for him to realize that the light was in fact flaming arrows being shot in the general direction of the camp he was, in theory guarding. Barfy turned to run back to the camp to warn them that they were under attack but when he turned he saw the biggest Southron barbarian he’d ever seen.  
  
The goathumper smiled at him, a rotten, crooked smile and said, “Howdy Inquisition,” before punching Barfy in the face with a fist like a Christmas ham.  
  
 **Opening Credits!  
**  
“I know I’ve said this before, but this time I really mean it. We’re in some shit,” Cullen said, hoisting a sack up onto the table. Whatever was in the sack stank horribly. The former Templar opened the sack and dumped the contents out on the table. A pair of severed goats’ heads wearing Inquisition issued helmets tumbled out with a clatter. “These were sent to us from the Avvars in the Fallow Mire. A traditional threat from those people if I’m not mistaken,” Cullen said motioning for a manservant to clean up the goats’ heads before continuing, “Along with a message. Perhaps you would like to read it?” He handed Lydia a letter written in a crude hand, like that of a child just learning her letters.  
  
“’Deer Inkwizishun, I got your mangs in my kasull. You come fite me if you wanna see them agan! From, King Krapbarge’” Lydia read aloud, “Well it looks like some of us are going to have to head to the Fallow Mire and have a little meet and greet with this King Krapbarge guy. What do we know about him, besides the fact that his spelling is terrible and he thinks sending us goat heads is a good idea.”  
  
Leliana stood rather slowly, “Well, he’s the current leader of the Avvar and he has a castle in the Fallow Mire and is currently holding a platoon of our troops hostage. I’m sorry, the Southron barbarians don’t really play the Grand Game all that well, so it’s pretty hard to get intel on them.”  
  
Lydia sighed, “I guess it’s up to me then to go chop up some barbarians and save the day. That’s pretty much my jam these days anyway isn’t it?”  
  
Her advisors all nodded and were like, “Yeah, pretty much.”  
  
Lydia bid her advisors adieu and headed out of the war room to rustle up some of her companions. As she walked out into the throne room she happened to see Solas, as bald as ever, sketching some sketchy sketches on the walls. How long had it been since she’d actually talked to that guy? She honestly couldn’t remember. Probably shortly after they first arrived in the Skyhold Dream Castle. “I better rectify that,” Lydia thought to herself and then called out to the Feldspar Mister Clean Look Alike Contest winner and declared, “Hey Solas I’m heading out to the Fallow Mire to fight barbarians, you want to come with?”  
  
“Perhaps it would prove fruitful to my studies to accompany you to this Fallow Mire,” the bald elf declared, “for the Fade behaves most peculiarly there. Most peculiarly indeed. Yes, I shall join you on your expedition.”  
  
Lydia replied, “It’s not really an expedition per say, it’s more a session of wrecking house on dickbag barbarians who have wronged us,” Lydia replied, “I mean we might come across some zany Fade shit and if we do we’ll deal with it, but we’re not going to go out of our way to seek it out if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.”  
  
“I can dig it,” Solas replied, “I suppose I’m the elf for the job then.”  
  
“No man, the elf for the job is Sara. You’re the mage who can energize random crap should the need arise.”  
  
“Ah so Sara is coming as well? Are you two still committing disgusting miscegenation with each other?” Solas asked, “I mean it’s one thing for you to be involved with an elf...or a woman…or whatever, but Sara? She should know better! We elves are a dying race and for her to not get with a fine elven brother…I’m sorry I shouldn’t really talk about this with you.”  
  
“No you shouldn’t. Just get your shit together and we’ll leave after I talk to Blackwall.  
  
Lydia headed out of the Dream Castle and across the courtyard. She was so pissed off at Solas. Who was he to say who Sara should or shouldn’t hump? Lydia was still fuming by the time she arrived at Blackwall’s toy workshop. He was carving some sort of rocking horse shaped like a griffon, or possibly even a speed griffon, Lydia wasn’t sure. She must have been pouting when she entered the toy workshop, for when Blackwall looked up from his carving he asked, “What’s wrong love?”  
  
“Huh? Oh it’s nothing really…just Solas being a douchebag about me and Sara,” Lydia said.  
  
Blackwall placed his hammer and chisel down on the work bench and said, “That does sound a bit like him though I doubt that’s what brought you here to my toy workshop. What can I do for you?”  
  
“Well you see, I’ve got to go save some rookie recruits from barbarians in the Fallow Mire and heard that there’s like hella Grey Warden outposts down there and thought that maybe you’d want to come along and battle barbarians and maybe scout out those old outposts. I bet there’s some left over Grey Warden memorabilia down there.”  
  
Blackwall nodded and did a fist pump of triumph before shouting, “Now yer talking! I love vintage Grey Warden shit! Man the uniforms the Wardens wore during the Fourth Blight were cool as fuck! You wouldn’t think that a yellow and brown tunic would work…particularly with white stirrup pants, but it totally does! Listen to me carrying on like a jackenapes about old school Warden uniforms. I’m yer man if you need someone to taunt and smack foemen with a shield while you chopfuck the living shit out of Southron barbarians!”  
  
 **Commercial Break!  
**  
God did the Fallow Mire suck. It sucked so much ass. If she hadn’t known for a fact that her own ass was not currently being sucked, Lydia might have insisted that the Fallow Mire sucked all the ass. It was dark and dank and smelled like a dirty butthole and there were zombie and weird pillars that Solas, the racist elf, had to activate and then after he activated them demons and more zombies popped out and tried to kill everyone and the fetid water somehow activated zombies if anyone accidentally stepped in it. It was pretty much the worst place she’d ever been in and that was saying a lot considering she had just spent an inordinate amount of time in the dustbin that was the Western Approach.  
  
The one thing Lydia did not see much of were Southron barbarians. There was one guy, a huge mountain of a man with a big ass hammer slung rather casually over his shoulder, who was like, “Dudes, my name is Sky Watcher. You can call me Sky or Mister Watcher if you’re nasty. I got no beef with the Inquisition. To be totally honest, my boss, King Crapbarge, is kind of a douchelord to pick a fight with you guys. I won’t rumble with you, tumble with you.  
  
“Much obliged Sky Watcher. Do you know if our rookies are still alive?” Lydia asked.  
  
“Yeah, they were down in some old Grey Warden outpost at the edge of the map. King Crapbarge is chillin’ like a villain out there so be careful alright? He’s a pretty rough dude and his father would be turning over in his not grave if he knew what a douchelord his son had become. Anyway I gotta bounce, I’ve got some damn zombies to hammer smash. Smell ya later.”  
  
“Smell ya later Sky Watcher!” Lydia replied and then turned to her posse, “You heard the mountain of a man. To the edge of the map guys. We’ve got rookies to save!”  
  
The journey to the edge of the map was more of the same. More swamp stench. More zombie infested water. More asking that fucking racist piece of shit Solas to light up a pillar with glowing green. More demons. More ruined houses with corpses in them. More Michael Moore. More Roger Moore. More! More! More! Finally after a rather protracted tromp through the swamp they found themselves outside a big ass Warden outpost. From behind them came a shambling horde of zombies.  
  
“Quick into the Fort!” Blackwall shouted, “There’s no way we can fight ‘em all off!”  
  
“Buckles you won’t let me die yeah?” Sara shouted as she ran towards the fortress.  
  
“She should, you foolish race traitor…you’re no good to your elven brethren by letting your womb lie fallow!” Solas shouted as he put a zombie on blast…ice blast.  
  
Lydia sighed at the baldheaded douchelord’s outburst and yelled to Sara, “I promise I won’t let you die. I’ll go so far as to reload a save state if you do.”  
  
“Even if you haven’t saved in awhile?”  
  
“Even if I haven’t saved in awhile.”  
  
“Aw…Buckles you’re the best!”  
  
Solas threw up a little bit in his mouth at the homosexual, interracial love on display before and the party ran into the outpost and slammed the heavy metal doors shut behind them. From the other side they could hear the zombies howling in Zombiese about the injustice of being locked out of the fort punctuated by the dull thud of zombie bodies slamming into the door.  
  
“We should see if there’s another way out of here or something,” Lydia said, “Those zombies don’t sound like they’re going away any time soon.”  
  
The party trudged up a flight of stairs looking for another way out of the fortress in which they now found themselves trapped, only to be confronted by a bellowing psycho decked out in a multitude of horns and hides screaming, “I AM KING CRAPBARGE!!! LOOK UPON ME AND DESPAIR!!! INQUISITON?! YOU AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME!!!!! OOOOORAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRRR I AM ROIDED UP AND READY TO ROCK!!!!!! YYYYYYYYYEAAAHAH!”  
  
The roid rage barbarian rushed at Lydia but she side stepped and he went tumbling down the stairs in clatter or armor and screamed oaths. With the roided berserker out of the way Lydia and her friends dispatched his archers without having to worry about a roided psycho trying to axe them to death. King Crapbarge came stumbling back up the stairs, several of his horns crumpled or all together broken and looking rather pitiful. He hoisted his mighty barbarian chopper and rushed again at Lydia. She had her own chopper deluxe ready and chopped the shit out of the roided up berserker while Sara arrowed him and Solas, rather grudgingly put him on blast…ice blast.  
  
“Oh man I’m totally dead!” the barbarian king shouted as he fell to the gross crumbling stone of the fortress’ floor in a heap of being totally dead. As he laid there in a heap of being dead, Lydia noticed something around his neck. It was not a cockring like Varric wore, but rather a key. One that looked not unlike a key to a dungeon in which rookie Inquisition troops were being held prisoner.  
  
Lydia snatched up the key and hauled ass over to where she could hear prisoners singing the official Theme Song To The Inquisition and unlocked the door. Inside there were a bunch of rookie Inquisition troops. They were totally stoked to see her and let out a mighty cheer of “Huzzah! The Inquisitor is radical!” Lydia breathed a sigh of relief. The Inquisition’s long national nightmare was over. The rookies were free. She turned to leave and there she saw the hulking mountain of a man know as Sky Watcher.  
  
“How goes it Mister Watcher?” Lydia asked.  
  
“I saw you kick the shit out of that snot nosed brat, King Crapbarge,” Sky Watcher said, “If his dad saw this shit he’d probably challenge you to a duel but I’m more like, ‘Meh whatever, the kid was a fucking cockmonger and pretty much deserved what he got. So…I’m not such a popular dude with my peoples anymore.”  
  
“Why not join our crew. We are hella tough and could really use a Southron barbarian in our midst! I bet the war table missions having you in our company beget will be hilarious!” Lydia replied.  
  
“For real? Oh man that’s awesome. I’ve wanted to join you guys for awhile and hoped someone would come and be like, ‘Sky Watcher, you’re a cool dude, you want to join our Inquisition?’ and now it’s happened…and it’s even better than I’d imagined!” Sky Watcher said. It looked to Lydia like the huge hulk of manmeat was on the verge of tears, “Thank you. I just need to square some stuff up with my kinfolk before I join you guys…thank you again…I promise…I won’t let you down.”  
  
“Keep it together Big Guy,” Lydia said, “You know where our base is right? I’ve gotta get back there posthaste, so once you’ve square up everything with your people head on up. Ask to see Josephine when you get there and tell her Lydia sent you. She’ll find something useful for you to do.”  
  
“You got it boss!” Sky Watcher said and then ran off. As he ran across the courtyard he shouted out, “Yippee! I’m joining the Inquisition!”  
  
 **Commercial Break!  
**  
Lydia sat in her throne looking at a Southron barbarian she was pretty sure she’d never seen before. The man was in shackles and the trial fans were out in full force so it was obvious that the man had committed some sort of offense. Lydia glanced at Josephine and mouthed the words, “Who’s this guy?” Josephine shrugged and turned some pages on her clipboard before declaring, “Lord Fourhorns of the Avvar stands before you today accused of vandalism…in the form of a goat…thrown at the Dream Castle? Wait what? You threw a goat at the castle?” The man, apparently named Lord Fourhorns nodded like a goddamn boss and Josephine continued, “He willing submitted when guards went to apprehend him after he threw the goat.”  
  
Now it was Lydia’s turn to express disbelief of the situation that had arisen before her. “You threw a goat at my castle? Why?” she asked incredulously.  
  
Lord Fourhorns replied, “Because you killed my idiot son. Custom dictates that I had to throw a goat at your tent…I did and now my duty as a father to that stupid moron is done. I have no beef with you or yours and was honestly pissed off that my son got you involved in a fight when he should have been focusing on those suckbag Davinters.”  
  
“So you hate the Davinters eh?”  
  
“Yup. Those pompous pricks are pretty much the worst!”  
  
“Alright then, for the crime of vandalism, I sentence you to banishment in Davint. You and your tribe will be provided transport,” Lydia said and then held her hand up to the side of her mouth and whispered, “and weapons,” before continuing at a normal volume, “and let loose upon the country of Davint, never to harass the Inquisition again.”  
  
Lord Fourhorns laughed, “Huh huh…who’d have thunk my idiot son would end up doing something right by dying. You have my respect Inquisitor. We will fuck shit up for those Davinter suckbags the way only a horde of pissed off Avvars with goats can!”  
  
 **To Be Continued!  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: So a lot has transpired since I last wrote a thing here.  I saw Star Wars which made me watch Star Wars Rebel, the cartoon show, which made me realize, "Hey that Jedi guy sounds like the Iron Bull a little.  I wonder if they're the same guy.  I should look up who did Iron Bull's voice...HOLY FUCK!  FREDDIE FUCKING PRINZE JR.?!"  I was right though...Freddie Prinze Jr. was on that Star Wars cartoon show too.  Besides that what else went down?  I got a Playstation 4.  Apparently I can transfer a save game from a PS3 to a PS4 so I'll probably buy the Game of the Year version of DAI for the PS4 after I get real paid next week and do the transfer.  I did a heap of side quests and other stuff that doesn't really warrant a write up...finished a bunch of the companion quests that aren't really companion quests (Varric's "I HATE RED LYRIUM!" and that "Get Grey Warden Memorabilia for Blackwall," one).  Blackwall's quest is actually what caused this entire adventure to happen since I had to go there to find some relic.  Anyway unless a baby assails me with cuteness when I get home, or I get KOed from being exhausted tonight I will finally do legit plot.  I guess the next write up will be the end of this season or something.  Shrug.


	16. Dragon Age – S05E16 – In Which The Grey Wardens Prove Themselves To Be The Third Major Team That Was Driven To Evil In This Particular Video Game

Out in the Western Approach, Beezus Hawke stood rather casually, leaning up against a pillar of a ruined temple of Davinter make. God, was she beautiful in her Capri pants, a single streak of blood smeared across her nose horizontally, like a whimsical smirk. She saw Lydia approaching and waved enthusiastically. “I’m glad you made it,” the Champion of Kirkwall said enthusiastically, “Stroud’s waiting for you over there. I should warn you though, he’s kind of annoyed that it took you so long to get her, so he’ll probably be kind of a dick to you.”  
  
Lydia sighed, “I guess we should get this over with. Come on guys let’s go talk to Major Mustache.”  
  
As she walked towards the area where Stroud was apparently hiding, Beezus sidled up beside her and in a low voice said, “I heard from Varric that you’re into elf girls too. That’s her isn’t it? Your girlfriend right? I’ve seen the way you two look at each other,” Beezus said and motioned slightly with her head in Sara’s general direction, “She’s kind of cute even without the Danish face tats. Anyway, what do you think about maybe swapping paramours for a night when this is all done with?”  
  
Lydia’s eyes nearly popped out of her goddamn skull as she asked, “What?! First of all I don’t have a thing for elf girls. I like Sara and that’s it. Second of all I don’t really want to trade girlfriends with you for a night. That would make me one of those swinger people. I’d have to get robes and special lotions and shit and that’s not an investment I’m really willing to make. Third of all even if I did want to trade girlfriends with you, this is hardly the time or the place to discuss such things.”  
  
Beezus nodded and said, “You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry I asked. Forget I said anything about it.” She paused a moment, as if in thought before asking, “You know that mage though right? Fiona something or other? You think she’d be into a threesome with the cutest l’il bloodmage ever and the Champion of Kirkwall?”  
  
Before Lydia could even sigh in disgust, a voice, amplified by a mighty mustache, shouted, “JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST! IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO GET HERE!” The Grey Warden Stroud’s mustache bristled with rage as he stood, fuming, near another ancient pillar of a ruined Davinter temple of suckbaggery. “Seriously, when did we last meet and discuss the urgency of this situation? A month ago? Two? FUCK!”  
  
“Sorry man I got sidetracked. There were forts to liberate and Davinter suckbags to put on trial and then some rookies got captured by Southron barbarians. I could very well leave the captured by Southrons. You know what they do to goats right? What do you think they’d do to some youthful French rookies?” Lydia said, “Anyway, what’s the situation?”  
  
“Well the Wardens just arrived a few moments ago, so we may still be able to stop them before anything shitty happens,” Stroud said, “Beezus will watch our backs while we go in for the final confrontation. Now hurry up and follow me! C’mon! We haven’t got much time!”  
  
Lydia and Stroud, along with Sara, Blackwall, and Dorian headed up the steps of the ancient temple to see a really slimy looking dude telling Grey Warden wizards how to summon demons. “Good job Tony Wilson, now bind the demon just like I showed you! Awesome! With this army of demons we can march into the Deep Roads and wipe out the darkspawn once and for all!” the sleazebag with the worst neckbeard in the history of neckbeards said. The dirtball looked up and noticed Lydia and Stroud, declaring, “Ah, we have some company. The Inquisitor I presume. I am Lord Sleazy bin Suckbag of Davint and I am quite afraid you are already too late to do anything to save these Grey Wardens. They are already well under the control of my master, Coprophilia, and there’s not shit you can do about it!”  
  
“I can wreck house on you and these demons and those Wardens if need be,” Lydia shouted as she whipped out chopper deluxe.  
  
Sleazy bin Suckbag sighed and played Simon Says with his Grey Wardens and then was like, “You don’t get it. These Wardens are totally under my control. They’re going to wreck house on you, while I escape to a secret lair where First Warden Sinead O’Connor and the rest of the Wardens are waiting to do weird blood magic to become strong enough to stop the Blight forever! Wardens and demons….ATTACK!!! Smell ya later dudes.”  
  
The demons and Wardens screamed and rushed forward into the Wall of Death that was Lydia and Blackwall and Stroud. Naked steel flashed as demons and possessed Grey Warden alike were cut to ribbons. Blood and demon junk splattered all over the goddamn place as the crew did their deadly work. Soon there was a heap of dead bodies covering the floor of the ancient Davinter temple. Hawke came running up the stairs, “Shit what the hell happened up here? I saw some sleazy dude run off in that direction and heard a bunch of shouting up here.”  
  
“That guy was a Davinter suckbag. He’s convinced the Grey Wardens to do some kind of blood magic to summon and bind demons that they can use to fight the Blight in the Deep Roads, but they are all really under Coprophilia’s control! It was a trick and they’ll end up with a demon army just like I saw when I went into the future with Dorian!”  
  
“FUCKING BLOOD MAGIC!!! IT IS ALWAYS THE WORST!” Beezus shouted, “NO ONE HAS EVER HAD A GOOD REASON TO DO BLOOD MAGIC! NOT ONE FUCKING TIME!!!”  
  
“Aren’t you like married to a blood mage or something?” Lydia asked, "I mean that's how Varric describes Merrill."  
  
“Well that’s different. Merrill’s not like a scary blood mage hell bent on destroying the world or anything, she was just trying to fix a mirror…” Beezus said, “Anyway that suckbag probably headed to Fort Adamant. We should head back to Skyhold and confer with your advisors on the best plan of attack.”  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
It had been decided that Cullen would lead an assault on the walls of Fort Adamant and once they had been breached Lydia would lead an assault team in to find First Warden Sinead O’Connor and that Davinter suckbag, Sleazy bin Suckbag, and stop them before weird blood magic could happen and summon an army of demons under the control of Coprophilia that could destroy all of Thedas. Cullen’s plan had, more or less, gone off without a hitch. It had been bloody fighting to be certain, but Lydia now found herself within the fortress proper, chopfucking the shit out of demons and stupid asshole Grey Wardens alike. Things were not all terrible for a large number of Grey Wardens were like, “Dude this is not what I signed up for Inquisitor. We won’t fight you, but we will reinforce your army against these goddamn demons!”  
  
Lydia was pretty glad to have at least some of the Wardens on her side. It was fewer dudes unlucky enough to have been swayed by Coprophilia’s mutant powers that she’d have to chopfuck the shit out of later. The party pressed on, stopping only to cut down more hordes of demonic beings or search for treasure. Soon Lydia and wrecked house all the way to a courtyard where Grey Wardens were being instructed by Sleazy bin Suckbag to do weird blood magic to summon demons. First Warden Sinead O’Connor was the first one to get her hands dirty, so to speak, slicing an old dude’s throat to get the blood magic party started. Lydia turned to Blackwall in askance and the Warden delivered a stirring bit of oration.  
  
“You don’t know me, but like you I’m a Grey Warden. I joined the Grey Wardens with a sense of pride and honor. Pride and honor for what the Wardens stood for. For being something bigger than oneself, for service, for fighting the good fight and protecting the weak. To see you here getting into weird blood magic and consorting with the servants of darkness? You should all be ashamed of yourselves,” Blackwall took a handbell from his sack and intoned, “Shame! Shame! Shame!” before ringing his bell three times in rapid succession. Ding! Ding! Ding!  
  
Sinead O’Connor was like, “Oh my god that guy with the beard is totally right! What have we done!”  
  
The Davinter suckbag sighed and was like, “My master…Coprophilia…said you might try a stunt like this Inquisitor so he let me borrow his big ass dragon that might be an archdemon. Here it is to wreck house on you….GAHHHH!” Sinead O’Connor put the Davinter suckbag on blast as the dragon began wrecking house on the entire area. “I’m outta here!” shouted the suckbag as he hauled ass out of the area with Sinead O’Connor hot on his heels.  
  
“Shit. Fuck. Piss. Cock. Ass. Fuck. Buttface. There are demons all over the place…where’s the way out!” Sara shouted as the archdemon raged against everything and regular lesser demons drifted about like “Wooooo I look like a ghost!”  
  
“Come on! Follow me!” Lydia shouted, “Sara I told you I wouldn’t let you die and I meant it!”  
  
The party wrecked house on some shitty demons with mohawks and tried to find a way out of the fortress. A heap of Wardens, apparently moved by the combination of Blackwall’s stirring speech and Sinead O’Connor’s act of heroic defiance had thrown their lots in with Lydia and her crew and the force was now making quick work of the shitty mohawk demons before them. Onward the charged, taking the fight to all the jerkass demons that tried to step to them. Finally they came to a crumbled bit of fortress. Below the crumbled bit of fortress a neon green sky tear pulsated like a throbbing sex organ. That Davinter suckbag was about to get his shit ruined by Sinead O’Connor when the dragon swooped in and totally bit Sinead O’Connor in half.  
  
“Ho ho ho!” laughed the Davinter suckbag, like an asshole version of Santa Claus with a neckbeard and greasy mane of hair, “What a waste. Anyway Inquisitor, your shit’s about to be ruined too. Here comes a dragon!”  
  
The dragon swooped to attempt to wreck house on Lydia and her friends, Sinead O’Connor, in one last act of defiance, blasted the dragon in the gut with a beam of wizard shit. The dragon, crashed into the crumbling edge of the fort, causing it to crumble more. The dragon and the Davinter suckbag plunged into the neon green sky tear below. The fort continued to crumble. Lydia tried to run, but she was not Legolas in that stupid The Hobbit Part III movie and could not run on bricks as they fell from a crumbling tower. Maybe it was an elf thing. Maybe Sara would be alright. She plunged toward the neon green sky tear and raised her hand. The mark began to glow and Lydia focused, sending a blast of hand into the tear the moment before she hit.  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
  
“Where are we?” Hawke asked. She was standing on a wall, perpendicular to where Lydia found herself standing. It was weird as hell and kind of made Lydia want to barf.  
  
“Fuck. Shit. Piss. Cock. Crap. Boobs. Crap!” Sara shouted, “Shite we’re in the goddamn Fade aren’t we yeah? Fuck. How do we get out of here?”  
  
Somewhere in the distance a neon green sky tear pulsated and throbbed longingly. “I think we can probably bust out of here via that neon green sky tear. Does that sound about right Dorian?”  
  
“Do I look like Solas? Lord I hope not! I have no idea about this Fade shit either love, I mean I’ve been here a couple times, but usually it looks like a castle and there are men with huge bulges in their loin clothes feeding me grapes…it’s all a lot less neon and gross than whatever this is, but to answer your question I would say that yes, if we bust a move towards that glowing hole in the sky, we may be able to get out of here.”  
  
“Okay, let’s do that!” Lydia exclaimed. Beezus somehow got non-perpendicular and the party set off. They made it about ten steps before something, looking all like an old lady in a Chantry nun suit appeared. She looked just like the Divine Justine and was like, “Inquisitor, there’s a nightmare demon here feeding off your fears. The only way to get out of here is to regain your lost memories and conquer your fears.”  
  
“Wait a second, what are you?” Lydia asked, “Are you a demon? A spirit? I mean you can’t possibly be the real Justine since I saw you die and before you died, you clearly had no idea who I actually was. I was just some schlubby girl in a Green Bay Packers jersey. But now you’re using a title that was given to me months after you totally died.”  
  
“Shrug. I’m whatever you need me to be. Anyway stop this nightmare demon so you can escape alright?” the spiritdemonghost of Justine said, “I’ll lead the way.”  
  
Lydia and her party followed after the spiritdemonghost of Justine causing several flashbacks to transpire in which Lydia learned that the Grey Wardens had been responsible for death of Divine Justine and that the mark on her hand was caused by picking up Coprophilia’s weird orb dealie. Onward they pressed, being harassed by some kind of demon with a Fade Intercom. As they walked through glowing neon green occasionally a demonic voice would come on the intercom and bellow something like, “Beeeezus you are going to die here…alone and in pain…and then Merrill will suffer terribly without you….WOooooooo….I’m creepy! Also will an associate please report to aisle 4 for a cleanup. Associate to aisle 4 for a cleanup.”  
  
Horde after horde of disgusting spider monster assailed the party as they fought their way through the Fade.   
  
“God I hate these fucking spiders!” Beezus shouted.  
  
“Me too!” Lydia declared, “Mohawk demons would have been better than this.”  
  
Sara shouted, “Spiders? What spiders? Spiders I could deal with right? These little black things of nothing though? Shite.”  
  
“Most peculiar these fiends seem to be taking the form of whatever each of us fears and thus look different to each of us,” Dorian said as he blasted wizard shit at something that appeared to be a spider to Lydia, “Solas would probably bust a nut to learn of such demons, but I digress. It appears we have made our way to the neon green sky tear that will take us from this accursed place.”  
  
The spiritdemonghost of Justine swooped in and was like, “You are just about out of here, but you will have to defeat the nightmare demon in order to escape. He’s got a big creepy spider with him that I’ll take care of, you do the rest. Oh, and Inquisitor, please tell Leliana I am sorry I failed her too.” The spiritdemonghost let out a mighty bellow of “LEROY JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENKINS!” and flew into a bigass spider, knocking it away. The creepy demon with a spider for a face put down the microphone to his Fade intercom and was like, “Ooooooh! You’re all gonna die!” and then attacked the crew.  
  
He was no match for the combined might of Lydia and her friends. Lydia’s Templar powers came in handy as she was able to wreck house on the spider faced demon’s random wizard shit shield and buffs that apparently made him more roughneck. Soon he was bleeding all over the place, but the fight was not yet over. As Lydia and her friends rushed towards the sky tear the bigass spider reappeared, blocking their path.  
  
“Someone needs to occupy this fucking thing!” Stroud shouted, “It’s my duty as a Grey Warden to…”  
  
“To lead the Grey Wardens!” Beezus shouted, “I’ll stay. It’s my fault Coprophilia’s running roughshod anyway.”  
  
“Beezus that’s crazy talk! Stroud can stay! You’re coming with me!” Lydia shouted, “Stroud? Good luck buddy. You’re mustache is mighty enough that you might just be able to make it out of here alive!”  
  
Stroud readied his sword and shield and said, “I pray to the Maker you are right! Inquisitor, it has been an honor to know you…now go, before it’s too late!”  
  
Lydia and her party rushed forward as Stroud slashed the shit out of a giant spider. They leaped into the neon green sky tear and then…they were back in Adamant Fortress. Inquisition soldiers and Grey Wardens were milling about. As the last of Lydia’s party made their way through the tear she turned and used hand power to seal that shit up. A Grey Warden knight of the code stepped forward. “Where’s Stroud? Why didn’t he come out? We needed him to lead us.”  
  
“Stroud died a hero!” Lydia began, “He gave his life, willingly, so that we could escape from the neon green hell that is the Raw Dog Fade. That’s the Grey Warden way. So honor Stroud with a return to duty! Serve with honor, defending the defenseless and standing against the darkness! Join us in the Inquisition as we take the fight to Coprophilia…the man who caused darkspawns to exist in the first place!” It was one of her finest speeches yet and a cheer went up from the Grey Wardens.  
  
As she turned Beezus was like, “Hey Lydia, I’m going to head to Weisshaupt to tell the Wardens there what went down here alright. Take care of Varric for me, and if you ever change your mind and want to see what it’s like to hump a real Danish elf instead of a Danish adoptee send me a letter alright.”  
  
“Alright. Take care of yourself Hawke.”  
  
“You too Inquisitor. I think things are going to get a lot worse before they get better for you.”  
  
 **To Be Continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director’s Commentary: Fuck yeah! This was the best chunk of video game plot in a hella long time. It was definitely the best version of the Fade yet. Origins was the worst. Two fucked with me because they said something about “If you die in the Fade you’re braindead forever!” and then forced me to kill two of my party members. This one was just creepy voices and so much awesome banter and sword chopping demons. It was awesome! Also that final choice before you escape? Is there anyone who’s going to pick fucking Stroud over Hawke? I mean you played as Hawke for 30 plus hours. Stroud is a guy you met like 4 or 5 times between two games for about a grand total of 40 minutes of plot. Yeah he’s got a great mustache (I also love that Sara’s post quest cutscene comment about Stroud is “lost a serious mustache there,”) but there’s no way he was getting the nod there. Sorry Stroud. Anyway I think I’ll start in on the next chunk of storyline plot tonight since I’ve cleared a bunch of maps already. Should be a good one.


End file.
